-You just can't go through something like that and not come out a changed person, some for the good and some for the not so good. You gain so much by knowing, in an intimate way how strong you really are, yet now you know how fragile everything of any importance really is. The sense of loss that you know at this age is something most people learn over the course of a lifetime. If everyone learned these lessons early in life, rather than later, the world would be a very different place.
A few people on the board know this already but in 2001, at age 38, I was diagnosed with a rare cancer (like 1 in 500K-1M people rare) -large tumor in the very center of my body along with two livermets. Medical people would look at me with "that look" -they're not supposed to show reaction like that but they're only human. It was a nightmare and the only escape I had was sleep. Then I'd wake up each day like we all do, thinking life is normal, and then begin to feel all the pain and realize the strong possibility of my own not-so-distant death.
To make a really long story short I was accepted into a clinical trial (just two weeks before it closed) for an experimental drug. My options were surgery (and it was basically inoperable) or the drug -nothing else works on this cancer, not chemo -nothing. Over a two year period, and so many doctor's appointments I literally lost count, it shrunk the tumors enough that it was operable. I had a 5 hour surgery last year with a number of complications and a LOT more pain, lost 30 some lbs (I'm 6' tall, weighed 167 before surgery) and was a ghost for about 4 months.
People talk about others being "heroes" because they survived a disease, a horrific accident like yours, or something equally devastating. What they don't realize is whether the person lived or died, if they fought at all to live they're a hero. And if they lived it may only be they were luckier than the person who didn't, or it was God's plan for them, or both. I'm still trying to make sense of it all and see "the good" and figure out the reasons, but man it's tough some days.
Even though our experiences are very different I have similar feelings as you, so they may not be all due to your physical injuries. I have very little tolerance for people who make life difficult or hurt others due to their ignorance, selfishness or ego. I listen to people bitch about trivial crap and wonder what they would do if they really knew what problems were. I'm thankful I'm alive and actually pretty healthy now, but I'm not the same person I was before. I don't look or act like the happy person I was. I can see it in pictures, even if I'm smiling, and even my friends have commented on it. I have to take my drugs everyday and hope that I won't get bad news on one of my CT scans I have every three months (all "Clear" so far), so it will never really be over.
Hang tough (I know you will) and feel free to vent on the board or even pm/email me if you want. I tell myself that "Pain is temporary but quitting is forever." I'm glad you changed your board name because although this happened to you and affected you deeply -it doesn't define you -you are much greater than this.
The board should have a scar contest (like in the movie "Jaws") -if we had an xray contest I think you'd win. Here's two pics of me (with a BMW hat on) after surgery, NG tube was out but I had 6 other things hooked up to me,(prior to all the complications and major weight loss) -can't beat that morphine pump! -although coming off that always made me puke.
-thanks for sharing your story and letting me vent too.
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Originally Posted by MBXB
events that prove that I am not in control of myself. 