new joke thread :D

[rickm]

2 Cajun funnies

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux fishing

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were fishing in a boat under a bridge.

Boudreaux looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and Boudreaux puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

Thibodeaux says, "Mais, Boudreaux, dat sure was touching, I didn't know you had it in you".

Boudreaux says, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do, after all , I was married to her for 40 years".

==
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux boat for sale

Boudreaux was driving by Thibodeaux's house when he saw a sign that said "boat 4 sale". He pulled into Thibodeaux's driveway and knocked on his door.

"Thibodeaux, we've been friends for years now. You never told me you had no boat!" said Boudreaux.

"I don't got no boat chere" said Thibodeaux.

"Then what's with the sign, it says "Boat 4 sale"" said Boudreaux.

"Follow me" said Thibodeaux. They walked around to the back of the house.

"See that 1972 Nova?" said Thibodeaux.

"Yeah" said Boudreaux.

"See that 1978 Dodge van?" said Thibodeaux.

"Yeah" said Boudreaux.

"Dey both for sale" said Thibodeaux.

==

[rickm]

A vampire moved to Italy and on the first night went out looking for his days supply of blood.

He found a good spot behind a tree by a bridge near a university.

A young Italian lass walked by, he grabbed her, sank his teeth into her neck, drained all of her blood and threw her body over the side of the bridge.

The next night he went to the same spot and a young Italian male student walked by. He grabbed him, sank his teeth into his neck, drained all of his blood and then threw the body over the side of the bridge.

The following night just after throwing another young Italian lass over the side of the bridge he realized that something was wrong. He never heard the body hit the water.

He looked over the side of the bridge and there he saw an alligator on the bank of the river.

It was licking it's lips and singing: "Drained WOPS keep falling on my head"

[winfred]

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[GJPinAU]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.
Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by.....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.

[632 Regal]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I'm sorry, I
cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The
florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open up, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a thank you card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the
shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[winfred]

This guy has been a fornicator and a villain all his life, but he decides he has got to mend his ways. So he decides to take up the monastic life. He goes to this monestry and is told the head monk will interview him to make sure his motives are right and that he is sure this is really what he wants to do. So they talk and discuss and the guy nods and seems to be giving all the right answers and he's happy with what it will mean to him. The conversation is just coming to an end and the head monk asks the man has he any questions that he now feels he needs to specifically ask. 'Well', he says, 'There is one thing bothering me father' 'Yes my son' says the father 'Well as i told you I am a fornicator and well I know I'd miss that relief of sexual tension and I just wonder how you lot manage' 'Ah yes, I was wondering when we'd get around to that', said the father. 'Well my son, we have this room, and in this room we have this barrell, and in this barrel there are a number of holes, and my son, on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, you would be allowed to relief your tension by making use of the facilities of the holes in this barrell' 'Ah', said the guy, thinking. 'But father, you said Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, um, what happens on Wednesday father?' 'Well my son, on Wednesday it would be your turn in the barrell'

[winfred]

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."

[632 Regal]

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."

[winfred]

One night Jerry brought home a dozen roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she commented. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply. "Not tonight dear. I have a headache." The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love. "I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight." Every night for a week Jerry brought home an elegant gift, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?" "These are the pallbearers for your dead pussy."

[GJPinAU]

THE POWER OF OBSERVATION


Sherlock Holmes and Mr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn in Leo.

Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"Is that all? Holmes asked.

"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?"

Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you Dickhead. Someone has stolen the tent!"