General Motors Introduces New Instant-win Airbags
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS
DETROIT—With fourth quarter sales sluggish, the recent third quarter posting of a record $39B loss and domestic market share continuously down since the early 1990’s, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday to help boost sales.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company’s 2008 cars.
“Auto accidents have never been so exciting, “said GM vice-president of marketing Lionel Watkins, who expects the contest to boost sales significantly. “When you play the new GM Instant-Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean winning the Grand Prize, a trip for two to Super Bowl XLIII in New Orleans. Or a year’s worth of free Mobil gasoline.”
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 2008, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
“As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, ‘Oh, boy, this could be it—I could be a big winner!’” said Cincinnati’s Martin Franks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the 2007 Buick LaCrosse they were driving skidded on black ice and slammed into an oncoming truck. “When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read the airbag!”
“It’s really addictive,” said Sacramento, CA resident Marjorie Kemp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. “I’ve already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven’t won. I swear I’m going to win those tickets—even if it kills me!”
Kemp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Vibe and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. “In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that’s understandable. After all, they’re scary and dangerous and sometimes, even fatal,” GM CEO Roger Oberman said. “But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn’t like that?”
Hartford, CT resident Joseph Mendez was killed Sunday when his Pontiac Solstice hit a freight train. Mendez won $500 in the accident. CEO Oberman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize would be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM’s official contest rules, available on their website, odds of winning the Grand Prize are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. “If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place—approximately 1 in 720,000—the actual odds of winning a prize each time you drive your car is more like 1 in 31 trillion.”
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. “I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Malibu,” said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Moore. “My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn’t inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver who hit me, while driving a rented 2007 Chevy Aveo, won a $100 Outback Steakhouse gift certificate. That’s just wrong.”
You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?