**********october joke thread***********

[winfred]

Ladies talking in Heaven...........

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[GJPinAU]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would
go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[GJPinAU]

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,
Deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic
relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears. "We
can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
Why?" gasped Douglas.
Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims
you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are The lowest
class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the
darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters
came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster
Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side,
inconsolable..

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.
The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and
The King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the
floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not
sideways............ but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw
after another!!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
Looked the King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..................................

For quite a while...........................

Finally, Douglas the crab spoke............................................. ...

F*ck, I'm pissed."

[632 Regal]

Dear Wife:

I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years
with nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. When your
boss called to tell me that you quit your job today that was the last
straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
hair cut, that I cooked your favorite meal and wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You came home, ate in two minutes, and went straight to bed
after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore and you
never want sex. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore,
whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband,

Receiving your letter made my day. Yes, you and I were married for
seven years. However, a good man is a far cry from what you are with your
constant whining and griping. I did notice that you got a hair cut last
week. The first thing that came to mind was "You look like a girl!" But my
mother raised me to not to say anything if I can't say something nice. And
when you cooked my favorite meal, you got me confused with MY SISTER, be
cause I stopped eating pork before we got married. I turned away from you
when you wore those new silk boxers because the price tag was still on
them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister just borrowed $50
from me that morning ... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of
this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit
the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to
Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone! Everything happens for a
reason. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always ! wanted. My lawyer
says that because of your letter, you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.
Signed, Rich and Single!
P.S. Are you aware that my sister Carla was born Carl? I hope that's not a problem.

[winfred]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[winfred]

Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and
make her relax. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Baton Rouge to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let a young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes,one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"

[Zeuk in Oz]

A 2006 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.

[winfred]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee!"

[Spice Boy]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

“Buffalo come,” Tonto says.

“How do you know that?” asks the Lone Ranger.

“Ear sticky.”

[winfred]

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...
Like his mother used to do.