**************september joke thread*************

[GJPinAU]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her
bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18",
she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[GJPinAU]

Telephone conversation goes;

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza.

He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"



"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."



The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.



They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.



Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!

[winfred]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me ."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!

[quan98]

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small-town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches.

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbour bridge, and the man is further unimpressed: "I have a duck pond bigger that that harbour, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Syndey-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn -- "Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself: "Bloody grasshoppers!"

[quan98]

There is a minnow swimming in a pond, who spots a worm. "Hmm," thinks the minnow, "if I swim up and eat that worm, I'll have lunch!"

There is a frog sitting on a lily pad, thinking to himself, "If I wait for that minnow to go after that worm, I can jump in and eat him and I'll have lunch!"

There is a fish in the pond who sees the frog and thinks, "If I wait for the frog to go after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can swim over and eat him, and I'll have lunch!"

There is an eagle flying over the pond, who spies the fish and thinks, "If I wait for the fish to swim over to eat the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can swoop down and catch him, and I'll have lunch!"

There is a hunter by the side of the pond staring up at the eagle and thinking, "If I wait for the eagle to swoop down to get the fish that is going after the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can shoot him and I'll have lunch!"

There is a mouse sitting behind the hunter thinking, "If I wait for the hunter to bend down to shoot the eagle when it dives after the fish that is going for the frog that is going for the minnow that is going for the worm, the crackers will fall out of his pocket, and I'll have lunch!"

There is a cat sitting behind the mouse thinking, "If I wait for the mouse to go after the crackers which fall out of the hunter's pocket when he bends down to shoot the eagle that is diving after the fish that is going for the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm (phew!), I can pounce on him, and I'll have lunch!"

The minnow darts, the frog jumps, the fish swims over, the eagle dives, the hunter bends down to shoot, the crackers fall and the mouse is about to run after them, when he hears a noise behind him and instinctively crouches down reeeaaal low. The cat pounces where he was expecting the mouse to be, and goes sailing into the pond.

The moral of the story?

The longer the climax, the wetter the pussy.

[quan98]

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realise certain protocols must be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts".

The second man is only too happy to help & in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, "Hey, no ****ing".

They yell back, "We're not ****ing".

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no ****ing".

Again they yell back, "We're not ****ing".

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.

Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no ****ing".

They yell back, "We're not ****ing!!".

Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're ****ing!".

[quan98]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm ****ed."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT ****ed! Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you!"

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living **** out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again:

"Okay ..... NOW you're ****ed!"

[quan98]

Confucius says...

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught redhanded.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon -- one prick, all gone.

[quan98]

Old Mr. Wienstien owns a factory that makes nails. He eventually retires and leaves his son to run the business. Just before Easter, he's reading a magazine and sees an ad with Christ on the cross and the message: "Use Wienstien nails for all your tough jobs."

He's appalled. He calls up his son and complains that the ad is terrible. The son apologises and promises to fix it.

A few days later, the old man opens another magazine. Now he sees a picture of a bare cross, with a bloody body wearing a crown of thorns lying at the foot. The caption: "Should have used Wienstien nails!"

[quan98]

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and
they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of
a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is
potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let
me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy
waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was
your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you , you can't
put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"