How to Interpret Classified Ads:

Rough condition = Too bad to lie about
Parts car = Beyond repair
Immaculate = Recently washed
Concours = Recently waxed
Engine quiet = (if you use 90-weight oil)
Needs minor overhaul = Needs engine
Needs major overhaul = Phone the junkyard
Burns no oil = It all leaks out
Rebuilt engine = Cleaned the spark plugs
Drive it away = I live on a hill
Drive it anywhere = (within 10 miles)
Desirable classic = No one wants it
Rare classic = No one wanted it even when it was new
Stored 20 years = (in a farmer's field)
Ran when stored = Won't start
Never apart = Bolts too rounded to loosen
Solid as a rock = Rusted solid
Restored, with 0 miles = Won't start
Restored, with 2 miles = Won't stay running
Older restoration = First owner washed it
Good investment = Can't be worth much less
No time to restore = Can't get parts
95% complete = Other 5% doesn't exist
Other conficting interests = Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I go!"
Doesn't smoke = (when it's out of oil)
New slick racing tires = I burned the tread down to the belts
Re-upholstered = New K-mart seat covers and floor mats
Major performance upgrades = Slid a new exhaust tip on the tailpipe
Kept in garage = The scratches are from my cat
Pampered/adult driven = I'm 17 and I think it's about to die
Complete restoration = New Earl Scheib paint job
New paint = Don't let it get wet
Sporty = It's got a floor shifter
Family car = There's still food under the seats
Good school/work car = More dents than a golf ball
Sacrifice for $xx = I can't believe I paid $xx for it myself
Lots of extras = Everything that fell off/out is in the trunk
Quiet engine = You can't hear it over the broken headers
Traction control = Starts moving only in 2nd gear
Race modified = It's got Japanese stickers on the back window
Exotic = It leaves a funny taste in your mouth
Precision machined = I used a degreaser
FAST! = Faster than my mom's Geo