**********March Joke Thread**********

[LunatiC]

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in a mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," his wife told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."

[LunatiC]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750" Man "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that **** again".

[LunatiC]

An engineering consultant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the s are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the engineering consultant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, I tried to be ethical with all my clients, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The engineering consultant is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

[LunatiC]

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing an English cricket shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Australian cricket shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semiconscious Pommie fan from the water.

Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between Australian and English cricket fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know **** about shark fishing... is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

[Venus4NU]

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting,
Or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning,
Took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared
Her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband,
Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike,
Lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree.

He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank
The Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation
Were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident.
He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food.
He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has
Missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to
Hold them and give them the personal love that they need.
Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations.
He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life
Has all but slipped away into oblivion.

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim,
And pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be
As good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact
Of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation
Were visibly shaken up with the thought that,
"there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in
Midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit,
Obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking,
Then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.
That word is: STERNUM!"

[Venus4NU]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for
him.

He's my brother. He's four and we saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike.
He can't do either one.

[Venus4NU]

Passing requires only 4 correct answers.... a measly 40%.
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate
the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific
is named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box
in a commercial airplane?
All done?
Check your answers below!
Scroll Down!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1)How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate
the October Revolution?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named
After what animal?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box
in a commercial airplane?
Orange, of course..
What do you mean you failed?????

[winfred]

TAKE THE TEST: ARE YOU A JACKASS AT WORK???

Answer each one of these questions true or false. . . and give yourself one point for every time you answer "true".

#1.) You feel surrounded by incompetent idiots. . . and you let them know the truth every once in a while.

#2.) You were a nice person until you started working with the current bunch of jerks.

#3.) You don't trust people around you, and they don't trust you.

#4.) You see your coworkers as competitors.

#5.) You believe that one of the best ways to "climb the ladder" is to push other people down or out of the way.

#6.) You secretly enjoy watching other people suffer and squirm.

#7.) You're jealous of your colleagues and find it's hard to be genuinely happy for them when they do well.

#8.) You have a small list of close friends and a long list of enemies. . . and you're equally proud of both lists.

#9.) Sometimes, you just can't hide your contempt toward the losers at work.

#10.) You find it's useful to glare at, insult, or even, sometimes, yell at some of the idiots at work. . . otherwise, they never seem to shape up.

#11.) You take credit for your team's accomplishments. . . I mean, you should, they'd be nowhere without you.

#12.) You like lobbing "innocent" comments into meetings that have no purpose. . . other than to make the person on the receiving end humiliated or uncomfortable.

#13.) You're quick to point out other people's mistakes.

#14.) You don't make mistakes. . . when something goes wrong, you always find some idiot to blame.

#15.) You constantly interrupt people because what you have to say is more important.

#16.) You're constantly buttering up your boss and other powerful people, and you expect the same treatment from the people you manage.

#17.) Your jokes and teasing can get nasty sometimes. . . but you have to admit, they're pretty funny.

#18.) You love your team, they love you. . . but you're all constantly at war with the rest of the company. You treat everyone else badly because, if they're not on your team, they don't matter or they're the enemy.

#19.) People seem to avoid eye contact when they talk to you, and they often become very nervous.

#20.) You have the feeling that people are always very careful about what they say around you.

#21.) People keep responding to your e-mails with hostile reactions, which often escalate into LOTS of angry e-mails back and forth.

#22.) People don't want to tell you personal information.

#23.) People seem to stop having fun when you show up.


FIGURE OUT YOUR SCORE:

21-23 POINTS (--answered "true" to 21 to 23 questions): You are DEFINITELY a jackass at work. It's time to take a big step back.

15-20 POINTS: You are PROBABLY a jackass at work. Think about how you're treating people, and try to calm down.

10-14 POINTS: You MAY BE a jackass. Sometimes you are. . . it's erratic.

5-9 POINTS: You AREN'T an jackass. . . but occasionally you have mood swings or snap at people.

0-4 POINTS: You are NOT a jackass. You're probably beloved around the office, and around any place you've ever worked.

[winfred]

http://psychostick.com/beer_small.htm

[javoresku]

Passing requires only 4 correct answers.... a measly 40%.
.......
.......
What do you mean you failed?????

I got only 6 right!