**********October Joke Thread**********

[califblue]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says , "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[winfred]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared th e daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[mikell]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

The old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[632 Regal]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[winfred]

Adult Quiz

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[winfred]

Stun Gun....

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely
wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversaty, and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY
TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteris in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,
I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!! Unfortunately, I
have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all t hat bad with only
two AAA batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was goingto give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
the other. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less that 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "n o
possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it,
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..I
decided to give myself a one-secon d burst jus t for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%@*!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. the cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "Do it again, do it again!!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thi gh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

[Alexlind123]

Did you hear about the Pepsi executive who got fired? He tested positive for Coke.

[winfred]

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."

[karmann]

In the beggining: God created man in his own Image,but it was not long

b4 man wanted company.so man goes to god and says "I would like a

companion! Someone who can be my equal and a partner for life.!"

God answers; Wow I have just made you and you're already asking for

favours,but you know what, I like you so I'm gonna hook you up.But I will

warn you that you are asking for alot and it's gonna cost you an arm and a

leg"! To which man looks at god and replies hmmm "What can I get for A RIB!"

[SnakeyesTx]

LETTER TO DAD


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad". With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, You're Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.