**********October Joke Thread**********

[winfred]

Rearrange the Letters

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[winfred]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed.
"Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession,"
the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[winfred]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.
"What's wrong?" asked Jack.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered. "There's people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."

[mattyb]

best of the year so far! lol

[632 Regal]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.





"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"





"Not yet," she replied.

[winfred]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ......... smack his ass again!"

[Yiorgos]

Two Irish engineers Patrick and Seamus (Design Engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "5 metres" and then walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[Yiorgos]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that.'"

[winfred]

Best Comeback Ever

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male resident of Dacula, GA., in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged wi th lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County
courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch and he decided to stop. "You know , a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Good Lord, is it midnight already?"

[winfred]

What does a pizza delivery guy have in common with a Gynecologist?

He can smell it but can't eat it.