**********May Joke Thread**********

[SharkmanBMW]

GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE

Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum -I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol'me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "********, that watch israel".

9 . Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle; iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence;
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

[winfred]

Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day he met a beautiful princess -- she had ruby lips, golden hair, and sapphire eyes -- and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "My darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realised that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another four torturous years without speaking. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the highest tower in the castle with romantic views of the royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his asked, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

[winfred]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.
He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.



"Beer****," he replied.

[632 Regal]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time an SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere .... ! ! !

She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "Yeah, you know I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

[632 Regal]

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a B-58 pilot in Strategic Air Command" was the answer. Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go." The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked. "It's called "Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin', hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Dance."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room. After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the old fighter pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours, but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out? "Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

[632 Regal]

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluid from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

[winfred]

Ewis walked into my office carrying a strange looking bottle.
"What’s that?" I asked.
"It’s a bizarre product we found."
"What does it do?"
"It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women," he said examining the bottle. "When applied to the...er...umm...clitoris a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she’s never dreamed of."
"Gimme that stuff!" I said grabbing it out of his hand.
I looked at the directions for use. It said: Apply liberally with tongue.

[winfred]

Chicken Soup For The Beer Drinker

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools." ~ Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
__________________
No Farms No Beer!

[Zeuk in Oz]

I R I S H M E D I C A L D I C T I O N A R Y


Artery : The study of paintings
Bacteria : Back door to cafeteria
Barium : What doctors do when patients die
Benign : What you be, after you are eight
Caesarean Section : A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan : Searching for Kitty
Cauterize : Made eye contact with her
Colic : A sheep dog
Coma : A punctuation mark
Dilate : To live long
Enema : Not a friend
Fester : Quicker than someone else
Fibula : A small lie
Impotent : Distinguished, well known
Labour : Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff : A Doctor's cane
Morbid : A higher offer
Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates
Node : I knew it
Outpatient : A person who has fainted
Pelvis : Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative : A letter carrier
Recovery Room : Place to do upholstery
Rectum : Nearly killed him
Secretion : Hiding something
Seizure : Roman emperor
Tablet : A small table
Terminal Illness : Getting sick at the airport
Tumour : One plus one more
Urine : Opposite of you're out

[632 Regal]

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same, After That
Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"