****** March Joke Thread ******

[632 Regal]

We Rednecks are sick and tired of hearing about how
dumb we are, and we challenge any of you smart aleck
Yankees to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
A). A '65 Ford Fairlane
B). A '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C). A '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine an hour, how many
car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. Three men have chainsaws which operate at 2700 RPM.
The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is
2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14
inches. How many cans of beer will be drunk before the
trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and
the porch length is 16 feet. The porch
floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. How many dogs will be
killed when the porch collapses?

6. A man owns a house on 3.7 acres of land in a holler
with an average slope of 15%. The man has five
children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability
that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town which has been bypassed
by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha' thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya?

Its okay if ya'll didn't do all that well. Just goes
to show ya...there's a whole heap of things that big
city book learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE",
here's some southerly advice that may come in handy
down the road a piece...Next time
you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza
shop and place a delivery order. When they go to
deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

[632 Regal]

Three guys, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an ARMY ENGINEER are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

The Army engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable.

The Army engineer says, "Fill it with water."

[clhorton]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

[clhorton]

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[winfred]

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a Beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose In a hanging basket!"

[winfred]

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel..and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Unless it is a Jeep or a vintage Mopar, Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever

[winfred]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[winfred]

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...

[Kalevera]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish pilot. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests,"Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

[winfred]

A lion, a gorilla and a chicken are talking in a pub. As often happens in pubs, they began boasting. The lion said, "I'm the King of the Jungle because when I roar everyone runs out of the jungle". The gorilla said, "That's nothing. I'm the King of the Jungle because when I beat my chest everyone runs out of the jungle screaming".

Both the lion and the gorilla turned to face the chicken who says, "Roaring, beating, pah! That's nothing. When I sneeze ten million people **** themselves!"