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Thread: How I Fixed The Gong - by Ian Nicholson

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    73

    Default How I Fixed The Gong - by Ian Nicholson

    Hi Everyone,

    Well, my gong didn't work. All the readings of the manual telling me how the gong would warn me of all manner of things left me feeling empty, worthless and alone.

    All my friends on bimmer.info had working gongs - and loved them. For me, the sound of silence announced the Check Control display. I could only look on with weary eyes and wonder what 's song could possibly accompany the sheer poetry of "LIMIT 50Km/h".

    Alas, I was doomed never to hear the dulcet tone of the BMW E34 5 series gong... or was I?

    At once, in a fit of determined outrage I clutched my electric screwdriver and launched myself at the unsuspecting screws that held the panel between the pedals and my steering wheel closely cosseted to the bosom of my Five.

    Each fell and surrendered themselves as dull thuds to the footwell carpet.

    Soon, and with great trepidation, I gently peeled the panel away. Blinking in the dark I reached for the glovebox torch, and in its pearly light I caught a glimpse of my prize. For there, mummified among the soundproof padding in all it's revealed magnificence was... the BMW gong.

    I gently pinched the clips that held it fast in the panel, and plucked the leads such that it dropped as would a ripened fruit into my hands.

    Back inside, I pondered this sonic sarcophagus and laid my plans to reveal its contents. Prising each of the four sprung fasteners in turn, I pushed a strip from some forgotten blister back to hold them back. Teasing the top of the Gong out into the light revealed the marvel of modern electronics that BMW themselves demanded a handsome purse of AU$225 to replace.

    But there, below, was the source of my scourge. A scurrilously cheap 50mm speaker, cunningly deployed when the rest of the world uses 57mm speakers in their computers and the like. The cruelty! A quick continuity check confirmed my fears, this cancerous component was the source of my misery.

    Hunting the malls of the world wide web I found my answer - a 2-inch wide range speaker from Jaycar:-

    http://www.jaycar.com.au/productView...=&SUBCATID=609

    With my trusty tinsnips, I cut more corners off my speaker than BMW did theirs.

    And lo, the speaker fit, and it was good. Freshly partnered to the ancient circuit board with honest solder I quickly reassembled the unit.

    Rushing back to my eagerly-awaiting Five I inserted the cables and...

    "Bing..." - "LIGHTS ON?"

    A tear sprung in my eye...

    "Bing...!" - "LIGHTS ON?"

    I wanted more. In went the key and the 3.0 litre V8 roared into life! Like a giddy schoolboy I punched the LIMIT button and entered 50km/h.

    Off I flew into the night...

    "Bing...!" - "LIMIT 50Km/h"

    With tears welling in my eyes I could no longer see and had to stop for fear of crashing....

    Now we're together I want us never to be apart. My friends are talking to me once more and now my life is complete... again.




    Fin.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    755

    Default Bravo!! A literary masterpiece!!

    Quote Originally Posted by EonPeon
    Hi Everyone,

    Well, my gong didn't work. All the readings of the manual telling me how the gong would warn me of all manner of things left me feeling empty, worthless and alone.

    All my friends on bimmer.info had working gongs - and loved them. For me, the sound of silence announced the Check Control display. I could only look on with weary eyes and wonder what 's song could possibly accompany the sheer poetry of "LIMIT 50Km/h".

    Alas, I was doomed never to hear the dulcet tone of the BMW E34 5 series gong... or was I?

    At once, in a fit of determined outrage I clutched my electric screwdriver and launched myself at the unsuspecting screws that held the panel between the pedals and my steering wheel closely cosseted to the bosom of my Five.

    Each fell and surrendered themselves as dull thuds to the footwell carpet.

    Soon, and with great trepidation, I gently peeled the panel away. Blinking in the dark I reached for the glovebox torch, and in its pearly light I caught a glimpse of my prize. For there, mummified among the soundproof padding in all it's revealed magnificence was... the BMW gong.

    I gently pinched the clips that held it fast in the panel, and plucked the leads such that it dropped as would a ripened fruit into my hands.

    Back inside, I pondered this sonic sarcophagus and laid my plans to reveal its contents. Prising each of the four sprung fasteners in turn, I pushed a strip from some forgotten blister back to hold them back. Teasing the top of the Gong out into the light revealed the marvel of modern electronics that BMW themselves demanded a handsome purse of AU$225 to replace.

    But there, below, was the source of my scourge. A scurrilously cheap 50mm speaker, cunningly deployed when the rest of the world uses 57mm speakers in their computers and the like. The cruelty! A quick continuity check confirmed my fears, this cancerous component was the source of my misery.

    Hunting the malls of the world wide web I found my answer - a 2-inch wide range speaker from Jaycar:-

    http://www.jaycar.com.au/productView...=&SUBCATID=609

    With my trusty tinsnips, I cut more corners off my speaker than BMW did theirs.

    And lo, the speaker fit, and it was good. Freshly partnered to the ancient circuit board with honest solder I quickly reassembled the unit.

    Rushing back to my eagerly-awaiting Five I inserted the cables and...

    "Bing..." - "LIGHTS ON?"

    A tear sprung in my eye...

    "Bing...!" - "LIGHTS ON?"

    I wanted more. In went the key and the 3.0 litre V8 roared into life! Like a giddy schoolboy I punched the LIMIT button and entered 50km/h.

    Off I flew into the night...

    "Bing...!" - "LIMIT 50Km/h"

    With tears welling in my eyes I could no longer see and had to stop for fear of crashing....

    Now we're together I want us never to be apart. My friends are talking to me once more and now my life is complete... again.




    Fin.
    got 'r done!
    Bill B.
    95 525i


  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Japan
    Posts
    9,161

    Default But I think the sound is wrong

    he says "BING", shoudn't it be "BONG" ?

    I hope the Mother of all BONGS will be with you all time

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Houston, TX, USA
    Posts
    137

    Default

    Very well done.
    Ryan
    1994 525iT

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Cleveland, OH
    Posts
    1,279

    Default

    Very well done...

    Glad that you got it working.

    -Charles

  6. #6
    ukm5 Guest

    Default

    How many posts have you made regarding that darn gong...who buys things like that from a dealer! all that effort and posts regarding how to fix it when one from a junk jard would be like $5 u probably paid that getting a speaker with postage

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    73

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ukm5
    How many posts have you made regarding that darn gong...who buys things like that from a dealer! all that effort and posts regarding how to fix it when one from a junk jard would be like $5 u probably paid that getting a speaker with postage
    Actually, I have a Jaycar nearby. The speaker cost me AU$1.95. (US$ 1??!).

    I eventually found a junk yard that had one, and they wanted AU$33. Sydney BMW quoted AU$225!!

    The gong does appear to be a part that suffers some inherent unreliability. The actual speaker had blown in mine and being of 50cm in diameter was actually much harder to find than you might think.

    My $2 speaker is actually quite high quality, although had to be trimmed with tinsnips to get it into the case. Even then, it was a few millimeters taller than the original and so I put some duct tape on top to insulate it from the circuit board. Since the case would not close properly, I taped the top back on as well. It's all quite secure since it's mounted from the bottom where it plugs into the panel.

    I had already ordered the $33 dollar spare because the wrecker had it in stock, and at the time I hadn't gotten around to repairing the gong (and wasn't sure if the speaker was the only problem).

    And yes, I apologise for the multiple posts, but people who said had gongs for sale didn't come back to me and I WANTED A BLOODY GONG!

    So there you have it. All done now! I'm as happy as a pig in sh*t.

    Best regards,



    Ian

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Atlanta, GA
    Posts
    236

    Default Nice

    A most creative and fun-to-read post, Ian. A perfect example of keeping after the prize until it is won. We can all take a lesson home here, and you obviously keep yourself amused whilst not taking yourself too seriously.

    ukm5, congrats on the "******* of the Day" post.

    Quote Originally Posted by ukm5
    How many posts have you made regarding that darn gong...who buys things like that from a dealer! all that effort and posts regarding how to fix it when one from a junk jard would be like $5 u probably paid that getting a speaker with postage

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Long Beach, CA
    Posts
    2,563

    Default

    I'm glad it was ukm5 and not me, because I was going to say something but decided not to. When debating this I realized how obsessive I get when trying to work something out on my BMW. It doesn't matter how big or small it is. Hell, you guys would probably think I'm if you saw my To Do List or Parts Wanted List. Enough out of me! Good for you EonPeon

    Ralph Mendoza Jr. - Long Beach, CA

  10. #10
    ukm5 Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by G Feller

    ukm5, congrats on the "******* of the Day" post.
    oh im so upset by that remark, think ill go and eat worms

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