*******april joke thread********

[Voodoo]

A wounded guy on a stretcher:
- Where are you taking me?
- To the morgue.
- But I'm not dead yet !!!
- But we're not there yet.

[pundit]

An aging down-on-her-luck prostitute gets into a cab after being evicted from an under 30's singles bar. She is short of cash but doesn't let on until the driver arrives at her destination.

"Er... look" says the hooker.
"I'm kinda a bit short on cash just at the moment... so maybe there's something else I can offer you instead"

With that she winks at the driver and hoists up her skirt whilst spreading her legs revealing that she is wearing no panties.

"Well how about it... what do you say then?"

"Jeesh!" says the driver looking somewhat stunned.
"Haven't you got anything smaller?"

[Voodoo]

A tired man comes home from work. As he enters the apartment complex he lives in, he notices there is no electricity on the staircase. Trying to find his way in the complete dark he hears a feminine voice:
- Do you have a lighter for my cigarette?
The guy thinks very quickly and he says:
- Yes, on one condition: you give me a blowjob in return.
The women is not very happy but she agrees. After finishing the cigarette she gets on her knees doing what she promised. All of the sudden, the lights are back on. The girl looks up:
- Dad … it’s you !?!
- Emma … you smoke !?!

[winfred]

A sheep herder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the bush. He found a saloon and approached the bar tender. He told the bartender "I need a woman."
The bartender said, "There are women all over San Antone for a price."
The sheep herder replied, "Just any woman won't do. I ain't ****ed nothin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten years. They got cockle burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their pussy and my old dick is tough with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece of ass."
So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest broad in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender picks up the phone contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells the sheep herder to go on up. The sheep herder gets a ice bucket with a few Lone Star long necks and proceeds up the stairs.
When he gets to the room he says, "The barkeep told me you are the toughest broad in town."
The lady is livid, and says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a bitch. I'm the toughest broad in Texas, and probably in the whole United States."
Excitedly, the sheep herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking for. He then turned and leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the coffee table.
Just then, the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over and grabbed her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the eyeball.
A bit surprised, the sheep herder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're tough, but I don't wanna do ya that way."
To which the wench replies, "I thought you wanted to open your damn beers."

[bjl4776]

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, Il come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."

[Kalevera]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Voodoo]

Three young guys are sitting at a table in a bar. A drunk man comes and pointing to the one in the middle says:
- Your mamma is the biggest whore in town!
Everyone is expecting to see a fight but the young guy does not react, so the drunk goes away for a while.
After 10 minutes he comes again:
- I banged your mother last night and it was great!
The young guy is still calm and refuses to start a fight.
Another 10 minutes and the drunk is back:
- Your mamma gave me a blowjob last night!
Finally the young guy loses his temper:
- Go home, dad! You’re drunk.

[Voodoo]

Two fleas win the lottery.
- What are you gonna do with your money?
- First, I'm gonna buy a dog of my own.

[Voodoo]

An admiral inspects a big war ship. He asks the captain:
- Are there any homosexuals on board?
- Only one, whom we are all banging.

[digitaldragon03]

A man is teaching his son how to pee while standing up. He takes him into the bathroom and gives him 3 simple steps to follow.

1. Unzip your pants and pull it out.
2. Pull the skin back.
3. Let it flow.

So the kid does it. He even says the step number as he goes along. "Step 1...step 2...step 3." The father is delighted that he did it all by himself. Later that night he hears the boy go into the bathroom. The father rushes to the bathroom and puts his ear against the door. He listens to his son talking to himself, "Step 1....... step 2.....step 2...step 2..step 2. step 2. step 2. step 2..........."