**********May Joke Thread**********

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball
at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya
doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.


Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can
slam the door, he jumps in beside her.


Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.


She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.


The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real
bitch this time."

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call Him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where He made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone Grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Do you know why?

The reason why Yellow Bird didn't die was simply a matter of reason that is fully understood by all wise men ....


You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by winfred

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

---

a masochist and a sadist find themselves in jail:
masochist: "- please, would you please now, torture me!"
sadist: "- well you know what? I am not going to!"

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in MY closet now."

Hahaha, I wish I had the depth of jokes like you old bastards :)

California -156 years ago!
Do you know what happened in California this week back in 1850 ?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the
women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ILoveMPower

Hahaha, I wish I had the depth of jokes like you old bastards :)

---

EH??? Whaddya mean by 'old bastards', sonny? Dont let the grey hair fool ya. Old age and treachery, will always overcome youth and skill. hehehe

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by trumpetr

EH??? Whaddya mean by 'old bastards', sonny? Dont let the grey hair fool ya. Old age and treachery, will always overcome youth and skill. hehehe

---

It's all too true :)

Cows. I like Cows.

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your
stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably
crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The
Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants
control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in
half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the
best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had
Saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it
Came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die,
I want you to take all my money and put it in the
Casket with me. I want to take my money to the
Afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her
Heart that when he died she would put all of the money
In the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
Sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting
Next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the
Undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife
Said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and
Put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they
Rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
Enough to put all that money in there with your
Husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I
Can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was
Going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
With him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together,
Put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he
Can cash it, he can spend it."

Life is already hard. Try being stupid once...
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

SEVEN: Police in Radnor, Pa , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

EIGHT: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine, the mother says, I ju st gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!


Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid

The setting is Disneyland, "The Happiest Place on Earth," where I had joined a couple of friends for a day of fun and adventure. After paying something approaching $48 each to get in, we wanted to conserve what little was left of our cash for important things like rubber lizards and the air hockey tables, so when it came time to eat we opted for a quick-n-cheap lunch rather than fine dining in one of their numerous restaurants. Lunch consisted of one of those burritos in a plastic bag, and a can of Coke. I could go into great detail here, but why bother. You know precisely what I'm getting at here: intestinal gas. Funny thing is, lunch didn't seem to give me any problem. I don't think I farted once the whole afternoon. More junk food was consumed. Many violent games of air hockey were played. Little did I know what my bowels had in store.

So late in the afternoon we step in line for the Jungle Cruise ride (you'll also find rubber lizards for sale in this area). The lines at Disneyland are densely packed in a serpentine configuration such that it's pretty much impossible to bail out from the middle. As I shuffle around a bend deep into the line, I notice there's a little girl right behind me who it would seem has been genetically engineered to be just the height that would place her nose precisely in line for problems. "Wouldn't it be funny," I think to myself, "if I had to fart right now?" We continue shuffling through the densely-packed line, and just as we come to the exact center of the line, with the small, innocent child mere inches away and at least 20 feet of human bodies in all directions and nowhere to run, I did just that. I passed gas. However, this was no ordinary flatus. Nothing like this has crept from my bowels before or since. This was ... a doomsday fart.

You know the expression, "silent but deadly"? You couldn't have heard this one with a stethoscope, but Landsat 4 probably picked it up in the thermal band. It was simply unholy. A fart that could melt diamond. The oil fires of Kuwait couldn't hold a candle to this thing. Chernobyl? Child's play! Weather patters were disrupted. LAX was "fogged in." The world knew a new evil on this day. A voluminous, hot, humid, painfully burning fart that makes the greenhose effect look like a pleasant alternative. It probably knocked down a couple local trailer parks just for good measure. I farted only once on this day, but it was more than most people will manage in a lifetime.

The line started moving. I did not look back, for fear that I might see a live action replay of the scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where people were melting and shriveling up (or would it be more like the ash bodies in Terminator 2?). We go around one of the bends in the line, headed back toward The Mushroom Cloud. My friends both choke, look back at me, and give the best glare they can manage with their eyes watering like that. I've just got this big grin on my face. They do not need to ask where "It" came from (brave souls, these folks - they still joined me on the submarine ride later). Rounding the corner myself, I get a glimpse of what's left of the small child behind me. Her face is scrunched in pain, her hands violently waving the air in front of her. I don't think she needs to ask either. Except for the complete depilatation, it's nothing a good plastic surgeon can't fix.

Lmfao!!!

W,Thanks for a great belly crunching laugh.....It carried on for the duration of the read...and I farted..
Personally I find a fart the most amusing thing ,period..people are so stuck up bout gas..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by trumpetr

EH??? Whaddya mean by 'old bastards', sonny? Dont let the grey hair fool ya. Old age and treachery, will always overcome youth and skill. hehehe

---

i think "skill" should be on the other side as well...

A Horse, a Chicken & a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and

began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the

chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he

searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he

had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the

chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in

the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping

he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a

hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying

the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken

then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,

rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the

farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:

Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down

thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.



The moral of the story? ...... (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up
Chicks!"

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be.

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,



Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me

housing, food stamps FREE medical care and free education!"



The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".



The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having

such a beautiful country here in America!"



The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."



The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"



That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not

an American!"



He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"



She says, "No, I am from Russia!"



Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"



The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"

A hairlip midget wanted to buy a horse, and one day he saw an ad in the paper, and he answered it.
"Mithter, are you the one that hath a horth for thale?"
The owner says,,,,well, yes.
"Ith it a mare?"
"yes,,it is a mare"

So,,the hairlip midget gets directions to come out and look at the horse.
He gets there,,,,,
"Ohhhh, Jeesssussf,,,thats a nicce looking horth,,,,thay,,,can I look at her eyeth?"
The owners says sure,,,,,
"Well,,im kinda short,,,can you boosft me up"
The ownerlifts the midget up,,,,,,"Thqay,,,,those are sthure pretty eyes,,,,yep,,,shes a healthy horth.
Say,,,can i look at her teeth??
so,,the owner has to pick the midget up to look at her teeth.
"Yetheriee,,,shes got nice teeth."
The owner sets the midget back down.
The midget says,,,"thay,,,can i thee her twat."
The owner,,, a bit pissed off,,,says,,,"you want to see her twat,,,by god, I'll show you her twat."
With that,,,he pickes up the midget,,and shoves his head up the horses hey-hey, then sets the midget back down.

The midget,,,says,,,while sputtering and spitting,,,,,,,"No,,,you mithunderthood me,,,let me rephrathse that,,,,,,,,can I thee the horth RUN?"


no,,that aint right,,,Lord, i apologize,,,,and be with the starving pygmies down in new guinea, amen.

GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE

Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum -I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol'me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "********, that watch israel".

9 . Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle; iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence;
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day he met a beautiful princess -- she had ruby lips, golden hair, and sapphire eyes -- and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "My darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realised that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another four torturous years without speaking. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the highest tower in the castle with romantic views of the royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his asked, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.
He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.



"Beer****," he replied.

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time an SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere .... ! ! !

She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "Yeah, you know I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a B-58 pilot in Strategic Air Command" was the answer. Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go." The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked. "It's called "Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin', hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Dance."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room. After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the old fighter pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours, but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out? "Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluid from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Ewis walked into my office carrying a strange looking bottle.
"What’s that?" I asked.
"It’s a bizarre product we found."
"What does it do?"
"It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women," he said examining the bottle. "When applied to the...er...umm...clitoris a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she’s never dreamed of."
"Gimme that stuff!" I said grabbing it out of his hand.
I looked at the directions for use. It said: Apply liberally with tongue.

Chicken Soup For The Beer Drinker

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools." ~ Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
__________________
No Farms No Beer!

I R I S H M E D I C A L D I C T I O N A R Y


Artery : The study of paintings
Bacteria : Back door to cafeteria
Barium : What doctors do when patients die
Benign : What you be, after you are eight
Caesarean Section : A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan : Searching for Kitty
Cauterize : Made eye contact with her
Colic : A sheep dog
Coma : A punctuation mark
Dilate : To live long
Enema : Not a friend
Fester : Quicker than someone else
Fibula : A small lie
Impotent : Distinguished, well known
Labour : Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff : A Doctor's cane
Morbid : A higher offer
Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates
Node : I knew it
Outpatient : A person who has fainted
Pelvis : Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative : A letter carrier
Recovery Room : Place to do upholstery
Rectum : Nearly killed him
Secretion : Hiding something
Seizure : Roman emperor
Tablet : A small table
Terminal Illness : Getting sick at the airport
Tumour : One plus one more
Urine : Opposite of you're out

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same, After That
Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

A blonde and a brunette are sitting on their front porch,,,when here comes the brunettes boyfriend, carrying a big boquet of roses.
"Awwww,,,,****",,says the Brunette,,,,,"
"Whats wrong?", says the blonde.
"Now im gonna have to spend the rest of the week on my back with my legs in the air.", the brunette says.
The blonde says,,,,"Geez,,,,,couldnt you just use a vase?"

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter (about a quart) of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 pounds of E. coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 2 pounds of **** every year from drinking water.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. And alcohol itself is used to kill bacteria.

WATER = ****

RUM,WHISKEY, GIN & WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself from ****, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink wine and talk **** than to drink water and be full of ****.

Operator: 911, what's your emergancy?

Caller: Eh, hi, I'm actually trying to get nine eleven. But my cellphone doesn't have eleven.

Operator: This is 911, sir. Same thing.

Caller: No, it's not. I'm trying to get through to 9 11.

Operaotr: Okay, this is nine eleven then, how can we help?

Caller: Hunny, I'm not stupid. This is 911, I want 9-11.

Not too funny now, but was when I heard it yesterday. :)

Three men go to a strip club and sit at a table.

A girl comes and dances on their table, so the one guy pulls out a $20 note, liks it and sticks it to the left bum cheek on the girl. So the second man pulls out a $10 note, liks it and sticks it to the right bum cheek of the stripper.
The two men then look at the third man. The third man then says he has no cash on him, so he pulls out his credit card and swips it through the middle of the strippers bum and takes the notes.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being
able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as
much as tennis elbow?"

On an airline flight,,,,the captain said over the intercom...'folks,,we are currently at 34k feet, beginning our descent into Atlanta, and we should be on time. We would like to thank you for flying with us,,and we hope to see you again soon",,,He thought the cabin intercom was off,,but it wasnt,,,
Everyone heard the next.... "....so, skipper, whatchagonna do in Atlanta?
Well the first thing im gonna do is go take a huge crap,,,then im gonna get that new blonde hot flight attendant with the big ****, take her to my hotel,,wine and dine her,,and lay the pipe to her all night long."
The flight attendant,,realizing the intercom was open, ,runs up the isle to the cockpit to warn the captain,,but trips over a little old ladies' carry-on, and piles up on the floor.
The little old lady looks at the flight attendant, as she gets up off of the floor,,and says,,,,"no need to hurry, dear, he has to take a ****, first."

So here's Thor: the god of thunder. Kicking some serious butt with his Mjollnir. What a cool sound! Anyway, the whole hammer thing (you know how guys are) made him the go-to guy for fertility rights. So, it was time to take on a wife. After all, he had a rep to maintain. After seaching far & wide, he came upon a beautiful valley, and a stunning young maiden named StepGens In a Freakout. Thor wasn't much of a talker, and she had a slight lisp, so he called her Sif.

Sif was a little big-boned, but that was exactly what Thor had burned into his mind's eye. That night under a new moon, Thor and Sif experienced a Rapture like none other. The full sounds of Rapture filled the night sky. In the morning, (as you can imagine), Thor was feeling pretty good about himself.

So he climbed to the top of the nearest mountain, beat his chest, and shouted at the top of his lungs: "I AM MIGHTY THOR!" It echoed to the valley below.
From there, a faint feminine response was barely audible.


"You think that you're mighty thore. I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.


When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most crooked, wide eyed, red headed, flat headed, foreskin lipped, large baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the
pub and sat down next to the woman. Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly.
"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss
Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The
Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her
arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top
of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord
looked over and said, "Aye, mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.

"The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

THE TOP 27 THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK…..

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of ****
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a ****
3. How about “never”? Is never good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
6. Ahhh, I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers
8. I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist
10. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you
12. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
16. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant
17. Thank you, we’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view
18. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial
19. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of bad Karma to burn off
20. No, my powers can only be used for good
21. I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me
22. You sound reasonable…….time to up my medication
23. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter
24. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message
25. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room
27. My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on.
I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.
So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.
"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving **** outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"