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A blonde and a brunette are sitting on their front porch,,,when here comes the brunettes boyfriend, carrying a big boquet of roses.
"Awwww,,,,****",,says the Brunette,,,,,"
"Whats wrong?", says the blonde.
"Now im gonna have to spend the rest of the week on my back with my legs in the air.", the brunette says.
The blonde says,,,,"Geez,,,,,couldnt you just use a vase?"
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter (about a quart) of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 pounds of E. coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 2 pounds of **** every year from drinking water.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. And alcohol itself is used to kill bacteria.
WATER = ****
RUM,WHISKEY, GIN & WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself from ****, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink wine and talk **** than to drink water and be full of ****.
Operator: 911, what's your emergancy?
Caller: Eh, hi, I'm actually trying to get nine eleven. But my cellphone doesn't have eleven.
Operator: This is 911, sir. Same thing.
Caller: No, it's not. I'm trying to get through to 9 11.
Operaotr: Okay, this is nine eleven then, how can we help?
Caller: Hunny, I'm not stupid. This is 911, I want 9-11.
Not too funny now, but was when I heard it yesterday. :)
Three men go to a strip club and sit at a table.
A girl comes and dances on their table, so the one guy pulls out a $20 note, liks it and sticks it to the left bum cheek on the girl. So the second man pulls out a $10 note, liks it and sticks it to the right bum cheek of the stripper.
The two men then look at the third man. The third man then says he has no cash on him, so he pulls out his credit card and swips it through the middle of the strippers bum and takes the notes.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being
able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as
much as tennis elbow?"
On an airline flight,,,,the captain said over the intercom...'folks,,we are currently at 34k feet, beginning our descent into Atlanta, and we should be on time. We would like to thank you for flying with us,,and we hope to see you again soon",,,He thought the cabin intercom was off,,but it wasnt,,,
Everyone heard the next.... "....so, skipper, whatchagonna do in Atlanta?
Well the first thing im gonna do is go take a huge crap,,,then im gonna get that new blonde hot flight attendant with the big ****, take her to my hotel,,wine and dine her,,and lay the pipe to her all night long."
The flight attendant,,realizing the intercom was open, ,runs up the isle to the cockpit to warn the captain,,but trips over a little old ladies' carry-on, and piles up on the floor.
The little old lady looks at the flight attendant, as she gets up off of the floor,,and says,,,,"no need to hurry, dear, he has to take a ****, first."
So here's Thor: the god of thunder. Kicking some serious butt with his Mjollnir. What a cool sound! Anyway, the whole hammer thing (you know how guys are) made him the go-to guy for fertility rights. So, it was time to take on a wife. After all, he had a rep to maintain. After seaching far & wide, he came upon a beautiful valley, and a stunning young maiden named StepGens In a Freakout. Thor wasn't much of a talker, and she had a slight lisp, so he called her Sif.
Sif was a little big-boned, but that was exactly what Thor had burned into his mind's eye. That night under a new moon, Thor and Sif experienced a Rapture like none other. The full sounds of Rapture filled the night sky. In the morning, (as you can imagine), Thor was feeling pretty good about himself.
So he climbed to the top of the nearest mountain, beat his chest, and shouted at the top of his lungs: "I AM MIGHTY THOR!" It echoed to the valley below.
From there, a faint feminine response was barely audible.
"You think that you're mighty thore. I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most crooked, wide eyed, red headed, flat headed, foreskin lipped, large baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the
pub and sat down next to the woman. Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly.
"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss
Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The
Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her
arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top
of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord
looked over and said, "Aye, mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.
"The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
THE TOP 27 THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK…..
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of ****
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a ****
3. How about “never”? Is never good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
6. Ahhh, I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers
8. I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist
10. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you
12. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
16. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant
17. Thank you, we’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view
18. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial
19. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of bad Karma to burn off
20. No, my powers can only be used for good
21. I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me
22. You sound reasonable…….time to up my medication
23. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter
24. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message
25. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room
27. My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on.
I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.
So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.
"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving **** outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"