some sort of joke

[winfred]

In a city park stood two statues, one female, and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on its head!"

[632 Regal]

http://www.funnygreetings.com/funpages/view.cfm/6402

[winfred]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and sever embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

[winfred]

Things you learn from Children

For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age---this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
First grade... true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

[632 Regal]

Things you learn from Children

For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age---this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
First grade... true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

[bahnstormer]

i know i will!
(does it work?)

[632 Regal]

:d

[winfred]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

[bjl4776]

dammit, it doesn't work

[632 Regal]

dammit, it doesn't work

[GJPinAU]

I am currently out at an interview for a decent job and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you!

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 20/9. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

*The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Davina' instead of 'Dave'.

[winfred]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[Voodoo]

Again, I apologize if I'm not grammatically correct. English is not my first language.

**************************
The animals are travelling by plane.
The duck slaps the bear on the head and yells at him:
- Hey, stupid...give me a cigarette!
The bear quickly executes the command.
The duck slaps him again:
- You, *******...light my cigarette!
The bear does that very calmly.
After about 15 minutes the entire scene repeats itself.
The fox wants to look cool, slaps the bear and asks for a cigarette.
The bear suddenly becomes angry, grabs the duck and the fox by their necks and throws them off the plane.
The duck says:
- Fox...can you fly?
- No.
- Then why did you do a thing like that on a plane?

**************************

[Voodoo]

Two married men are talking. First one says:
- I don't know what to do anymore. Everytime when I come home late and drunk, I turn the lights off, I stop the engine and slowly push the car into the garage. I take off my shoes, climb the stairs very quietly, undress in the bathroom, and gently get into bed next to my wife. Yet, she always hears me and starts shouting: "Where have you been until now, you worthless drunk?"

The second guy says:
- You're doing it all wrong. I always drive very fast, brake hard in front of the house, squiling tires, burning rubber, the whole ****...I slam the door, sing loud while climbing the stairs, throw my shoes in the closet, jump in bed, rub my wife's ass and say to her: "A quick blowjob?". She always pretends to be sleeping.

[winfred]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

[632 Regal]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing
butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.



Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with
the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh,

I'm in deep trouble now!"



Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."



Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror
comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."



Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade

it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
be up.



The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine."



Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet
and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle
says.....................



"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"

[632 Regal]

While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane
shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"My gosh!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over.
Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine
exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a frenzy now, and even the flight attendant couldn't
maintain order. Just then, the tall, smiling pilot came out from the
cockpit and assured everyone that things would be okay. His words and his
demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers who sat back down while the
captain slowly made his way to the back.

He then calmly took a few packages out from under some seats and handed
them to the flight attendants. Each crew member slipped the pack on their
backs.

"Say!" spoke an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The captain nodded and said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry
about!"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.

"We're going to get help."

[Bruno]

I don't remember being such a kid like that when I was 6 years old....
I definitively don't want kids like this one.




Things you learn from Children

For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age---this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
First grade... true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

[tacm]

That is the funniest **** i ever read.....by the way......im in the 60%

[winfred]

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

[wat_sup2002]

A man comes home from work, and sees his wife in crutchless pantys. she puts her leg up on the living room chair and greets him with "wanna lick?" to which the man quickly replyed "**** NO!, look what its done to your pants!!!"

[GJPinAU]

A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and says "This is the
pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "That's not a pig it's a duck!"

The man says "I was talking to the duck"

[632 Regal]

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah,
well I got here as fast as I
could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.


Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."


AND NOW........FOR .THE..........

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
2004........................


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
is reduced to laughter and snicker restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at
the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

[Renman]

Did you hear the one about the constipated jitterbug?



He couldn't jit.

[winfred]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[GJPinAU]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did you drink?!!"