**********April Joke Thread**********

[indierthanthou]

Q: What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor?

A: A baby with a javellin through its head.



A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[GJPinAU]

Q: What's more fun than spinning a baby around on a clothes line?

A: stopping it with a baseball bat!

[///Sniper535]

Sorry if these jokes are inappropriate...

!. What did one sagging boob say to the other?

We better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts!


2. What do 365 used condoms make?

A good year!

[Macv]

Since we're on dead baby jokes,

What's the difference between a baby and a tree?

One's legal to hit with an axe.

[indierthanthou]

you know whats gross?

ten babies nailed to ten trees

you know whats grosser than that?

one baby nailed to ten trees.

[bimmer95]

Q: Whats the difference between an M5 and 1000 dead babies?

A: i dont have an M5 in my garage

[indierthanthou]

Whats gross? A trashcan full of dead babies.
Grosser than that? One live baby on the bottom, eating his way out.
Even grosser? He went back for seconds.

[RockJock]

Poor little Herbie. Since his birth, poor blind Herbie had never seen the light of day. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day would be a very special one. If he prayed extra hard to Jesus, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.

Eagerly, Herbie crouched down on his knees beside his bed and put his hands together. For hours, he prayed and prayed to Jesus.

The next morning Herbie's mother came into his room and gently woke him from his sleep.

"Well Herbie, open your eyes and you'll know that Jesus answered your prayers."

Little Herbie slowly opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I STILL CAN'T SEE!"

"I know, dear," said his mother. "APRIL FOOL!"

[Fred Tyler]

How do you get a baby out of a blender?


With a straw!

don't blame me I didn't start it!

[trumpetr]

Q: Whats the difference between Anna Nicole Smith, and an E34 M5?

A: Not everyone has been in an e34 M5.

[LunatiC]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

[LunatiC]

There were two men standing at the medicine isle in the supermarket the first man said "Viagra is the greatest drug in the world it has helped my love life and I feel much better about my self." The second man replied "wow it helped you that much!? Can you get it over the counter." the first man said, "if I take two."

[LunatiC]

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty." The clerk handed him a mirror.

[LunatiC]

This one is a bit lewd... (not that it matters to most of you in here ;) )
Two mates were leaning on the bar having a beer when one of them , Larry, says:

"You know, Eric, when I was 18 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands, when I was 25, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard and was sober, by the time I was 35, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem even if I had a few drinks. I'm 48 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand, even when I'm pissed as a newt."

"So," Eric says "What's your point?" Well replies Larry "the point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

[trumpetr]

This one is a bit lewd... (not that it matters to most of you in here ;) )
Two mates were leaning on the bar having a beer when one of them , Larry, says:

"You know, Eric, when I was 18 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands, when I was 25, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard and was sober, by the time I was 35, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem even if I had a few drinks. I'm 48 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand, even when I'm pissed as a newt."

"So," Eric says "What's your point?" Well replies Larry "the point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

Great ones, mate. Even thru the last one, had to talk to my self in an aussie accent (pissed as a newt), love it-----good on ya.

[califblue]

There was a pretty teacher concerned with one of her eleven-year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

[winfred]

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate." Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[winfred]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section Called
the "Style Invitational." The requirements this week were to use The two
words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the Same
limerick. Remember, the following winning entries were printed In the
newspaper.

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress;
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

[winfred]

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior...
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen...

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A.

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms.
I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one."

[Jehu]

I once sent a used bic disposable razor blade which hacked my face up and the bloody paper towel i blotted my bloody face with back to Bic in Connecticut. They sent me a check for $00.99..

[LunatiC]

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange, beautiful sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound again. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. "

By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before....

...but I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

[LunatiC]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. And I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[gale]

http://www.nmia.com/~dgnrg/beer.jpg

:D

[winfred]

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"

[winfred]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

[winfred]

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She:"Oh that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He:"I found the remote."

[LunatiC]

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and ?... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce!? There's that ****ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[LunatiC]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, And in the line of men who truly were heads of their household there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this Line?" "The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[winfred]

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."

Not Bad