**********October Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her oldHammondorgan, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes!" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Macv]

A seal walks into a club.

[mikell]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!"

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have all the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The freakin funeral director would be my guess."

[califblue]

An old man is sppeding when a state tropper flashes his lights.

The old man speeds up and leads him on a chase.

Finally the old man pulls over.

The trooper tells him he's about to go off shift and if he can give him an excuse he's never heard before, he'll let him go scott free.

The old man looks him in the eye and says, "My wife ran off with a trooper some years back and I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The trooper returns, "Have a good night old man."

[califblue]

This is for all you folks in Sales and Marketing. This will clarify it
ALL...!!!

People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." So, here it is...

You're a lady and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing...

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's
fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising...

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."
That's Telemarketing...

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations....

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition...

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep...

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support...

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top
of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail...

You are at a party when a well-built man walks up to you and gropes your
breast and grabs your ass....
That's the Governor of California ...

You actually liked it, but twenty years later, your attorney decides
you were offended, and he files a lawsuit on your behalf....

That's America!!!!!

[califblue]

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had only hours
to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly loved tamales more
than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita's tamales.
With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the
terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down
the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh
batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the
freshly made tamales, his wife, Chita, smacked him in the back of the
head with a wooden spoon: "Leave them alone, pendejo!" "...They're for
the funeral!"

[winfred]

Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th , 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

[Macv]

Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th , 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.


I wish....:p

[mikell]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . "You just happened to catch my eye."

[winfred]

My Dad was painting the walls on the third and fourth floor of a building that he owned. Rather then go down to the main level every time he had to take a pee he just opened up one of his empty gallon paint cans and whizzed in it. Eventually he filled the can and hammered the lid back on. When he finished his painting job he threw out all of the empty paint cans and kept the "full" ones for another day. If you have ever seen a painter's garage, you will know that it usually has about 5000 different paint cans in it, each with a little bit of paint in it... to be used another day... One day my wife sent me on a mission to pick up a few ounces (maybe a pint) of green paint, for a little touch up job. Being the cheap rocket scientist that I am, I whipped over to my Pop's house and rapped on his door for a few ounces of paint. As we were poking around his garage looking for the "right shade" we came across THE CAN... like bomb disposal experts, we CAREFULLY delivered the can to the end of the driveway awaiting the garbage man. Not ten minutes later I heard the familiar clink and bang of the garbage cans being emptied into the hopper of a garbage truck. I guess the hopper was nearly full as the guy decided to compress and compact what was in the hopper right in front of my Dad's house. Then IT happened... kind of a quiet little "pop". Neither me nor my Dad gave it much thought.... THEN THE WIND SHIFTED AND WE CAUGHT A WHIFF..... That can of piss had been fermenting in my Dads garage for NEARLY A YEAR and when the compacter crushed it, it popped open.... The smell would have knocked a buzzard off of a **** wagon a hundred yards away. The poor bugger who was picking up the trash barfed right on the spot and me and the old man took off into the basement. A couple of minutes later we casually stepped outside to see if things settled down (read the smell went away) only to be confronted by the homicidal glare of the garbage picker now working the other side of the street. It could be me... but I don't think my Dad's garbage cans ever looked the same after that day....

[winfred]

Rearrange the Letters

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[winfred]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed.
"Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession,"
the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[winfred]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.
"What's wrong?" asked Jack.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."

[mattyb]

best of the year so far! lol

[632 Regal]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.





"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"





"Not yet," she replied.

[winfred]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ......... smack his ass again!"

[Yiorgos]

Two Irish engineers Patrick and Seamus (Design Engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "5 metres" and then walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[Yiorgos]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that.'"

[winfred]

Best Comeback Ever

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male resident of Dacula, GA., in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged wi th lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County
courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch and he decided to stop. "You know , a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Good Lord, is it midnight already?"

[winfred]

What does a pizza delivery guy have in common with a Gynecologist?

He can smell it but can't eat it.

[califblue]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says , "No, I'm your son's math teacher.":p

[winfred]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared th e daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[mikell]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

The old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[632 Regal]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[winfred]

Adult Quiz

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[winfred]

Stun Gun....

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely
wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversaty, and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY
TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteris in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,
I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!! Unfortunately, I
have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all t hat bad with only
two AAA batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was goingto give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
the other. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less that 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "n o
possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it,
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..I
decided to give myself a one-secon d burst jus t for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%@*!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. the cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "Do it again, do it again!!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thi gh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

[Alexlind123]

Did you hear about the Pepsi executive who got fired? He tested positive for Coke.

[winfred]

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."

[karmann]

In the beggining: God created man in his own Image,but it was not long

b4 man wanted company.so man goes to god and says "I would like a

companion! Someone who can be my equal and a partner for life.!"

God answers; Wow I have just made you and you're already asking for

favours,but you know what, I like you so I'm gonna hook you up.But I will

warn you that you are asking for alot and it's gonna cost you an arm and a

leg"! To which man looks at god and replies hmmm "What can I get for A RIB!"

[SnakeyesTx]

LETTER TO DAD


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad". With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, You're Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[califblue]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally,
Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you
to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and
after dating

for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood
nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday
suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down
there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the
black panties, and he was in his Birthday suit--
but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

[winfred]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.
Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

[winfred]

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"