Look At Us Going Haha

[GJPinAU]

Flowers for the girlfriend...
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass*a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying*flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again".

The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, "You don't like getting*flowers?"
The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has*expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending*the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[GJPinAU]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court.
But the custody *of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of *the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and *replied:**
"Judge, when I put a dollar into *a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the *machine?"***
Don't laugh, the man won!

[winfred]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in free-style, breast stroke, even the butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River."

[Am Piobaire]

Glasgow has made an audacious bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympics.
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organisers of the Glasgow bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below:
Opening Ceremony
The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb, thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the traditional costume of shell-suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the Games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
The Events
In previous Olympic Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local Glaswegian athletes.
100 Metres Sprint: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven, one in each arm. On the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage
10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres Hurdles: As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, etc).
Hammer: Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Fencing: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting: A strong challenge is expected from the local team in this event. The first target will be the moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages deliveryman.
Boxing: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given15 pints of Stella whilst the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials: Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from England on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit: As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon: Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
The Marathon: A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
Swimming: Competitors will be thrown off the bridge on the Clyde. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
Men's 50km Walk: Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.
The Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Glasgow "Health in the Community" anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Govan Loyalist Boys Band.
The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes can break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[Kamil]

Two blondes are sitting on a bench talking........

One blonde says to the other, "Which one do you
think is
farther......... Florida or the moon......?"

The other blonde turns and says,

"Helloooooooooooooooooooo, ............can u see
Flor-i-da?"

[winfred]

Top 20 ways to tell someone their fly is down

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were ; now I see your nuts.

[winfred]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No ****...what happened next?

[GJPinAU]

A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said : "Because you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said : "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want." The Lord replied : "Your request is very materialistic. Think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do
it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and
glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said: "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make
a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...