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Thread: Bomb at Home Depot

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Eastern Tennessee USi

    Default Bomb at Home Depot

    I went to Home Depot hardware recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to soil yourself' road-kill chili.
    Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
    written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
    your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
    No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to
    come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest
    being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the
    store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it
    about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
    opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain
    hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
    referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

    In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
    through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
    before I could take one step in the direction of the
    restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a
    warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
    suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

    Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
    body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
    Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
    I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh..........BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the
    thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing
    off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was
    coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
    john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-gun!
    Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

    Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
    intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    My smirking of course
    set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took
    one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at
    me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
    returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from
    the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

    Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
    95 E34 530I V2.37
    Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

    John F. Kennedy

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2004


    Dude! You gonna write a report about that in city paper?

    OMG! This is so F hilarious... Next time pop some pepto bismal before you head out... would have save you some embarassment and court time.

    Stink terrorist...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2008



    CD43,Style 21s,K&N Insert,White blinkers,LED 3rd brakelight,HIDs,front Monroe sportsshocks/Weitec 35 springs,540 Calipers, Zimmermann Discs and Textar pads.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Houston, TX


    Now, I assume you make your chili without beans, right?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Central Coast, CA


    Regal...I just wanted to let you know that I hate you...because I just pooped my pants reading that!!! hahaha

    I have had a similar situation (but instead of chili it was Ice cream cause I am lactose intolerant) and my poofs of exhaust are pretty bad as well so I was visualizing the whole story! haha  877

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    in a sexy house



    I'm looking at a couple of e34's again - always good to know there's a great place to come home to!
    --Micah O'C
    '17 M2 6MT, Mineral Grey
    '04 330i ZHP
    '88 M5 2791445
    '92 M5T BL01001
    formerly '90 535iM, '92 525iT

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2008


    "It's YOU" LMAO

    Jeff you should put that stuff to good use somehow, the world is searching for new alternative energy sources. try to get that gas in a can, or in liquid form maybe you could sell it as an additive or something. I just grossed myself out ewwwwwwww

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2005


    Ah! What a good laugh that was. Thanks!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2008


    the world is searching for new alternative energy sources. try to get that gas in a can, or in liquid form maybe you could sell it as an additive or something.
    I suspect that it would be put exclusively into military use, mainly due to the extremely volatile nature of this poisonous gas..

    CD43,Style 21s,K&N Insert,White blinkers,LED 3rd brakelight,HIDs,front Monroe sportsshocks/Weitec 35 springs,540 Calipers, Zimmermann Discs and Textar pads.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2007


    Is this what they mean when they tell you to pre-load your center support bearing? Sounds like you unloaded yours. I have a cousin who manages a Home Depot in suburban Detroit area. I think they have a photo thing kind of like the Post Office. Should I ask him to check to see if your picture is up there? Maybe you even made it to the training videos they use for new employees.

    1990 535im 421,000 miles, 1987 325is, 1989 325is, 1990 m3, 1991 318is, 2001 X5 3.0

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