%%%%%%%%%%%%november joke thread%%%%%%%%%%%%%5

[winfred]

A PERFECT DAY

For a woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed; freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants....open presents--expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends; unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from "secret admirer"
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk; says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower---alone
10:50 Carried to bed; freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

For a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast; steak and eggs, coffee, toast. All cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club; blow job en route
9:45 Play front nine; 2 under par
11:45 Lunch; steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine; 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport; several bourbons
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with nude, all-female crew who all bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home; massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
6:45 ****, shower, and shave
7:00 Watch news; Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner; lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of ****
9:30 Sex with three women, all of whom have lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed, alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

[e34.535i.sport]

LOL! I like it.

[GJPinAU]

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

[GJPinAU]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[winfred]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.' 'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, ' every thing you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.' 'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

[winfred]

Things to Know:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains..
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[mikell]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”

[GJPinAU]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.

[GJPinAU]

A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Australian from the east.

The bartender says, "Yor nut frum arund hier, are you?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "Whut do you do un Cunuda?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A texidumust? Whut duz a texidumust do? Do you drive a texi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. Hu'z one uv us."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co – worker standing at the coffee machine,
Inhales a big breath of air and tells her
“Your hair smells nice.”
After a week of this she went to see Personnel
And puts in a sexual harassment complaint in against him.
The Personnel manager said
“What’s wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?”
She Said “Its Keith the F++king Dwarf!!!!”