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[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said,
'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.


'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'


'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'


'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

[winfred]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The t rick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . .. . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[GJPinAU]

MY FIRST CONDOM:


I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the
pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW,
I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[ryan roopnarine]

from toys R us website

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index...#prod_prodinfo

[BigKriss]

even a few minutes is good for first timers

MY FIRST CONDOM:


I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the
pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW,
I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[ryan roopnarine]

from David Letterman

Top Ten Amish Pickup Lines

10. Are thee at barn raisings often?
9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number.
8. Buy thee a buttermilk colada?
7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress.
6. Say, my favorite movie is Witness too!
5. Are thee a model?
4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go someplace quiet.
3. Thy buggy has a biatchin' lacquer job.
2. I got Sinatra tickets.
1. Are thee up for some plowing?

[winfred]

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. so he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to chut up and just drink his beer. Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves. The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business" and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything. Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note. The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes, turns and and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: "there is your ****ing change!" The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says: "I'll have another beer!"

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist -- and
since she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store -- there were
no males employed there.


She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The cowpoke said that it
was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist.


The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional --
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss -- he could be confident that
she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.


The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for
it.'


The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'


When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length -- and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and
$3,000 a month -- plus living expenses.'

[ironie]

An old favourite of mine

THE STUPID SIGN

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops... never mind, didn't see
your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."


Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and
eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning... okay... no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?