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Thread: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$june joke thread$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    New Forest, ,UK,
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    Default $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$june joke thread$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4

    Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve,
    Bruce and Bluey.

    Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and
    tell his wife.'

    Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

    Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

    'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

    'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
    gave you the beer?'

    'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
    her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

    She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

    And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are'"

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    baton rouge, loserana
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    A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
    'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
    'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
    After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
    The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
    The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
    The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
    The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
    The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
    The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.
    all america wants is cold beer warm cat and a place to take a poop with a door on it

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Montreal
    Posts
    2,499

    Default

    A grasshopper walks into a bar.

    The bartender comes over and says, 'hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?'

    And the grasshoppers looks up and says 'you've got a drink named Steve?'

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    758

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    Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
    The Queensland mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Victorian mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
    The Victorian mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Queensland mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
    They both turn to the New South Wales mouse. The New South Wales mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat!"
    E30 318iS & BMW K1200LT

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    758

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    Not a joke but very interesting.


    Wow! This video is incredible! It's a hike up El Chorro in Spain. Be prepared to feel a bit uneasy in some parts. Why? The concrete paths, once quite good, are now in serious disrepair. Yet the hiker moves on, from time to time, doing a balancing act as he places one foot in front of the other, navigating narrow railway-like ties, all that remain of some parts of the paths.
    And he makes a point of showing us the dizzying heights. One slip-up, and you would careen down thousands of meters, having time to think about your impending death. Apparently, El Chorro is one of the most famous rock climbing areas in Europe. With more than 650 bolted climbing routes in an area accessible on foot,
    El Chorro is an "El Dorado" for climbers (or a "Whipsaw" for off-roaders).
    Because of its location in southern Spain, rock climbing is possible throughout the winter, though it can sometimes be cold and the paths snow-covered. The routes are mostly hard climbs, which is why El Chorro attracts rock climbers from the whole world.


    Watch this video in full-screen! It is really worth it.

    http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=1438490562
    E30 318iS & BMW K1200LT

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Honolulu
    Posts
    3,105

    Default

    I think I'd rather climb Charo.

    http://www.charo.info/


    Vee ave vays of dealing vid your kind...........

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
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    baton rouge, loserana
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    I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick.
    You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
    The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

    Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
    Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
    I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

    It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen.
    Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
    When erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.

    It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
    Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
    At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil.

    It has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild beast.
    It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
    You can't control its energy; You must wait 'til it's ceased.

    Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
    Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
    Still, no matter what its length; It's something you should treasure.

    Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't.
    A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't.
    Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn't.

    Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
    Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
    They peek across in public loose, And try not to get caught.

    Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe.
    But those are just old wives' tales; Outdated and naive.
    And if you're feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

    Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
    Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
    And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

    The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
    For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
    And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

    And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail.
    Don't take it out in public though, Or you'll be thrown in jail.
    Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you're male.
    all america wants is cold beer warm cat and a place to take a poop with a door on it

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    New Forest, ,UK,
    Posts
    794

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    Beer contains female hormones.
    > >
    > > Last month, University of Botswana scientists released the
    > > results of a
    > > recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
    > > hormones in beer.
    > >
    > > Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
    > > The theory is
    > > that beer contains female hormones (hops!! contain
    > > phytoestrogens) and that
    > > by drinking enough beer, men's character turn into that
    > > of women.
    > >
    > > To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
    > > within a 1 hour
    > > period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
    > > subjects:
    > >
    > >
    > > 1) Argued over nothing.
    > > 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    > > 3) Gained weight.
    > > 4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    > > 5) Became overly emotional.
    > > 6) Couldn't drive.
    > > 7) Failed to think rationally.
    > > 8) Had to sit down while urinating.
    > >
    > > No further testing was considered necessary..

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    758

    Default

    Do the Mexican accent

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

    'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

    'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

    'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

    'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

    'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

    And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

    'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

    'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

    'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

    Ees


    Ees


    Eees a Ham Bush.
    E30 318iS & BMW K1200LT

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
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    baton rouge, loserana
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    A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
    She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
    The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: 'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! YOU USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!'
    all america wants is cold beer warm cat and a place to take a poop with a door on it

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