**********january joke thread********

[Paul in NZ]

where oh where do you get them all from Winfred???

[winfred]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Jesus was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, Jesus said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,


JESUS SAVES

[Patrick]

GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS

DETROIT—With fourth quarter sales sluggish, the recent third quarter posting of a record $39B loss and domestic market share continuously down since the early 1990’s, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday to help boost sales.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company’s 2008 cars.

“Auto accidents have never been so exciting, “said GM vice-president of marketing Lionel Watkins, who expects the contest to boost sales significantly. “When you play the new GM Instant-Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean winning the Grand Prize, a trip for two to Super Bowl XLIII in New Orleans. Or a year’s worth of free Mobil gasoline.”

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 2008, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

“As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, ‘Oh, boy, this could be it—I could be a big winner!’” said Cincinnati’s Martin Franks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the 2007 Buick LaCrosse they were driving skidded on black ice and slammed into an oncoming truck. “When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read the airbag!”

“It’s really addictive,” said Sacramento, CA resident Marjorie Kemp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. “I’ve already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven’t won. I swear I’m going to win those tickets—even if it kills me!”

Kemp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Vibe and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. “In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that’s understandable. After all, they’re scary and dangerous and sometimes, even fatal,” GM CEO Roger Oberman said. “But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn’t like that?”

Hartford, CT resident Joseph Mendez was killed Sunday when his Pontiac Solstice hit a freight train. Mendez won $500 in the accident. CEO Oberman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize would be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM’s official contest rules, available on their website, odds of winning the Grand Prize are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. “If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place—approximately 1 in 720,000—the actual odds of winning a prize each time you drive your car is more like 1 in 31 trillion.”

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. “I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Malibu,” said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Moore. “My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn’t inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver who hit me, while driving a rented 2007 Chevy Aveo, won a $100 Outback Steakhouse gift certificate. That’s just wrong.”

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

I want to live my next life ........backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go to collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-
Like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[whiskychaser]

Well ...

[whiskychaser]

Oh yes she did!

[winfred]

Am I Gay?

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the
Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get
your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' You're fit to be framed,
you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or
****. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy
Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are
faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.

[winfred]

Have you ever heard the one about the little boy who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs?
When he was young his mother told him women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it. So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.
They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "don't do that, my mother told me about you women.
You women have teeth between your legs.". She begins to laugh ly and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.
She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.".
He tells her, "it's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

I found Winfred`s calculator!
http://www.joke-pages.com/jokes/images/org-calc.swf

[quan98]

sad yet funny at the same time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD2nv...&feature=bz301