**********december joke thread**********

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, since they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the woodshed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count . . .

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

"uhmm . . "

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.




This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Iowa, Arkansas, Mississippi, Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia and in some parts of Washington, DC.

[winfred]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

[winfred]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

[mikell]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,"It's certainly not
a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[whiskychaser]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2000.00. Tux rental-£200 tops. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[ryan roopnarine]

probably offensive to the english.....

this is from an internet thread about more little boys learning to cook because of shows like hell's kitchen, the food channel fare, et cetera. somehow it devolved into a discussion about gordon ramsay. a guy on this board randomly goes around and makes songs, haikus, poems about the relevant subject matter.... i know it is immature, but i laughted like a jackass at it for about 90 seconds, so i felt like posting it here.


All you British mother farkers can suck my dick
All your food farking tastes like shiat
Like Kung-Pow par boiled elephant clit
And you make cheese that has mother farking grit

I'll boil some water and pour it over over your head
Tea Bag your face, I think nuff's said

Bust out the lemon and squeeze it in your eye
Dinner time in Britain time for donkey shiat pie

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

If you can`t stand having the piss taken out of you, don`t be english!! To quote an english politician" one lunatic lefty in a loin-cloth and we lost a bloody empire" Sorry Ghandi.

[whiskychaser]

If you can`t stand having the piss taken out of you, don`t be english!! To quote an english politician" one lunatic lefty in a loin-cloth and we lost a bloody empire" Sorry Ghandi.

x1
And as for chefs, check out the type on the bottom of the packet that this one recommends:
http://www.buzzhumor.com/pictures/38...rriot_Sausages

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.....
He said "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'
"So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'
"I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
"Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm, "said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon, Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here try these on."
So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine."
So he did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Jill said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

[GJPinAU]

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss then days events over a couple of shandies.
One questions the other two, 'Listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do it'
Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, 'Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us.'

'No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it' offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order,
'Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please'. The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, 'I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast'

The waitress gets to the last groom' I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have...' he takes a deep breath 'SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST' he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey must be.

'Seven pieces of toast sir?' queries the waitress. 'Why, that's an awful lot' 'Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is.' She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again.

'And by the way love, can you make two of those brown!!!’