**************september joke thread*************

[winfred]

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

[mattyb]

This a story about 4 people named, EVERYCUNT, SOMECUNT, ANYCUNT and NOCUNT.

There was a job to be done and everycunt was aksed to do it, everycunt was sure somecunt could do it, but nocunt did it.

Somecunt got angry becuase it was everycunts job.

Everycunt thought somecunt would do it and nocunt realised that anycunt could have done it.

It ended up with everycunt blaming somecunt and nocunt did what anycunt could have done!

Oh how simple life can be sometimes!

[rufryder]

A policeman is driving down the road following the traffic. Suddenly the car in front swerves violently then straightens out then swerves again. After a couple of minutes of this repeatedly the policeman pulls the car over and approaches the blonde girl.

Girl: "Oh thank God you are here officer. As I'm driving along, a tree looms straight in front of me and I swerve to avoid crashing in to it and another one appears again straight away."

The policeman rolls his eyes "Ma'am, I think that is your air freshner."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She
was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
Schitt.



Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can
correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

[winfred]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

[g7syw]

A young man was having terrible problems with his sex life and so he went to the doctor.
"Doctor, it's a bit embarrassing but whenever I have sex it's all over in about a minute"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says "Well, I'll give you some pills to reduce your excitement" - "Thanks" says the young man and goes off quite happy.

A few days later the young man is back to see the doctor again, "Sorry doc, but those pills you gave me didn't work and my girlfriend is getting a bit upset as she's still up for it while I'm finished!"

The doc thinks for a while - "I know, I've got the answer. Go to the local sports shop and buy yourself a starting pistol and as soon as you feel yourself coming fire the pistol. This will give you a shock and hopefully stop you coming too soon"

The young man goes away quite happy and buys himself the pistol. When he gets home his girlfriend isn't there so he thinks to himself "I can try the doc's idea out on my own before she gets back" and that's what he does. So there he is laying on his bed choking the chicken like , he's just about to come so he fires the pistol - BANG! - the feeling goes away - "Hey, this does work, can't wait till she gets home"

The next day he goes back to the doc. Doc says "How are you feeling did it work?"

"I'm terrible" says the man "We were on the bed and at the right moment I felt under the bed for the pistol and fired it and the feeling went away just like you said"

"So what's the problem" says the doc
"Well, at the time we were having a 69 and when I fired the gun she **** all over my face and bit the helmet off my cock. To make matters worse a guy came out of the closet shouting that he's sorry and that he'll never do it again..."

[Karl]

Did you ever wonder...
...why managers get labor day off?

[GJPinAU]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all Perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? Shegiggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger ." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.

[GJPinAU]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of
them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crcodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

[GJPinAU]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.