**********October Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her oldHammondorgan, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes!" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Macv]

A seal walks into a club.

[mikell]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!"

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have all the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The freakin funeral director would be my guess."

[califblue]

An old man is sppeding when a state tropper flashes his lights.

The old man speeds up and leads him on a chase.

Finally the old man pulls over.

The trooper tells him he's about to go off shift and if he can give him an excuse he's never heard before, he'll let him go scott free.

The old man looks him in the eye and says, "My wife ran off with a trooper some years back and I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The trooper returns, "Have a good night old man."

[califblue]

This is for all you folks in Sales and Marketing. This will clarify it
ALL...!!!

People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." So, here it is...

You're a lady and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing...

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's
fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising...

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."
That's Telemarketing...

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations....

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition...

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep...

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support...

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top
of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail...

You are at a party when a well-built man walks up to you and gropes your
breast and grabs your ass....
That's the Governor of California ...

You actually liked it, but twenty years later, your attorney decides
you were offended, and he files a lawsuit on your behalf....

That's America!!!!!

[califblue]

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had only hours
to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly loved tamales more
than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita's tamales.
With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the
terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down
the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh
batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the
freshly made tamales, his wife, Chita, smacked him in the back of the
head with a wooden spoon: "Leave them alone, pendejo!" "...They're for
the funeral!"

[winfred]

Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th , 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

[Macv]

Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th , 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

I wish....

[mikell]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . "You just happened to catch my eye."

[winfred]

My Dad was painting the walls on the third and fourth floor of a building that he owned. Rather then go down to the main level every time he had to take a pee he just opened up one of his empty gallon paint cans and whizzed in it. Eventually he filled the can and hammered the lid back on. When he finished his painting job he threw out all of the empty paint cans and kept the "full" ones for another day. If you have ever seen a painter's garage, you will know that it usually has about 5000 different paint cans in it, each with a little bit of paint in it... to be used another day... One day my wife sent me on a mission to pick up a few ounces (maybe a pint) of green paint, for a little touch up job. Being the cheap rocket scientist that I am, I whipped over to my Pop's house and rapped on his door for a few ounces of paint. As we were poking around his garage looking for the "right shade" we came across THE CAN... like bomb disposal experts, we CAREFULLY delivered the can to the end of the driveway awaiting the garbage man. Not ten minutes later I heard the familiar clink and bang of the garbage cans being emptied into the hopper of a garbage truck. I guess the hopper was nearly full as the guy decided to compress and compact what was in the hopper right in front of my Dad's house. Then IT happened... kind of a quiet little "pop". Neither me nor my Dad gave it much thought.... THEN THE WIND SHIFTED AND WE CAUGHT A WHIFF..... That can of piss had been fermenting in my Dads garage for NEARLY A YEAR and when the compacter crushed it, it popped open.... The smell would have knocked a buzzard off of a **** wagon a hundred yards away. The poor bugger who was picking up the trash barfed right on the spot and me and the old man took off into the basement. A couple of minutes later we casually stepped outside to see if things settled down (read the smell went away) only to be confronted by the homicidal glare of the garbage picker now working the other side of the street. It could be me... but I don't think my Dad's garbage cans ever looked the same after that day....