**********September Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going
To STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
The salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."

[632 Regal]

An elderly man and a young woman had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two words?"

[632 Regal]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

[winfred]

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
the moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.

[aston_jag_tech]

This is a written article in a motorcyle mag my friend told me today!! It reads..."So and so Mag... I love your magazine; it has been great for my hobby, but lately I think my wife is cheating on me! For the past few months she has been acting a little strange. She gets upset when I try to be romantic, flips out when I picked up her cell phone to check the time, and has been going out with her "girls" more. I ask which friends and she replies with girls from work that I dont dont know. And on top of it; coming home being dropped off by someone. I look outside and see no taxi, no friend, nothing! So I decided to park my motorcylce on the drive and see who is REALLY dropping her off to get some answers and thats when I saw it! A leak from my valve cover on my 83 yamaha venure royale. Now it looks easy enough to do the job myself; but would it just be better to take in into the shop and let them do the work? Thank you so much!"

That was the funniest joke Ive heard in a while. Not as funny on the forum for sure, but still worth typing.

[winfred]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"

[BillionPa]

Oh Snap!

[beemeraddict]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!

This is a written article in a motorcyle mag my friend told me today!! It reads..."So and so Mag... I love your magazine; it has been great for my hobby, but lately I think my wife is cheating on me! For the past few months she has been acting a little strange. She gets upset when I try to be romantic, flips out when I picked up her cell phone to check the time, and has been going out with her "girls" more. I ask which friends and she replies with girls from work that I dont dont know. And on top of it; coming home being dropped off by someone. I look outside and see no taxi, no friend, nothing! So I decided to park my motorcylce on the drive and see who is REALLY dropping her off to get some answers and thats when I saw it! A leak from my valve cover on my 83 yamaha venure royale. Now it looks easy enough to do the job myself; but would it just be better to take in into the shop and let them do the work? Thank you so much!"

That was the funniest joke Ive heard in a while. Not as funny on the forum for sure, but still worth typing.

[beemeraddict]

Subject: All About WD-40

I thought that you might like to know more about
this well known product.

When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's
the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty
shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as
well as glass, it's a miracle! Then try it on your
stove top... Viola! it's now shinier than it's ever
been. You'll be amazed.

The product began from a search for a rust
preventative solvent and degreaser to protect
missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three
technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical
Company. It's name comes from the project that was
to find a "water displacement" compound. They were
successful with the fortieth formulation, thus
WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect
their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so
pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also
known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at
home. The executives decided there might be a
consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.

The rest, as they say, is history.

It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four
people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There
are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff
manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive
smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there
is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are some of the uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing
2. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
3. Gets oil spot! s off concrete driveways
4. Gives floors that 'just waxed' sheen without
making it slippery
5. Keeps flies off cows
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards
7. Removes lipstick stains
8. Loosens stubborn zippers
9. Untangles jewelry chains
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from
oxidizing
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble
floors
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and
doors in homes
18. Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a
super fast slide
19. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for
ease of handling on riding mowers
20. Rids rocking chairs ! and swings of squeaky noises
21. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and
makes them easier to open
22. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to
open and close
23. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in
vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
24. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
25. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
26. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons
and bicycles for easy handling
27. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and
keeps them running smoothly
28. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades,
and other tools
29. Removes splattered grease on stove
30. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
31. Lubricates prosthetic limbs
32. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the
smell)
33. Removes all traces of duct tape
34. I have even heard of folks spraying it on their
arms, hands, knees to relieve arthritis pain.
35. Spraying it on fishing lures
attracts fish.

WD-40 has been designated the "official
multi-purpose problem-solver of NASCAR," a ringing
endorsement if there ever was one. Can WD-40 can
solve the Jeff Gordon problem?

In celebration of their 50th year, the company
conducted a contest to learn the favorite uses of
it's customers and fan club members, (Yes, there is
a WD-40 Fan Club).

They compiled the information to identify the
favorite use in each of the 50 states. For Georgia and
Alabama the favorite use in both states was that it "penetrates
stuck bolts, lug nuts, and hose ends." Florida's
favorite use was "cleans and removes lovebugs from
grills and bumpers." California's favorite use was
penetrating the bolts on the Golden Gate Bridge.

The favorite use in the State of New York--WD-40
protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements. No
wonder they've had 50 successful years!!!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

[aston_jag_tech]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!

ewwwwwwwwaaaa. Ill make sure I never have that combo.