**********August Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied).

The Professor's reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[632 Regal]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. . .He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[632 Regal]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my dick, pissed all over me, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

[632 Regal]

A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."

[632 Regal]

This guy is sitting at home one afternoon watching TV when his wife walks in and starts beating the crap out of him with a frying pan.
"What the hell are you doing woman?" shouts the guy.
His wife tells him that she was just washing his pants and found a piece of paper with the name 'Marilyn' written on it.
"No honey, you don't understand" says the man "Marilyn is the name of a horse I bet on yesterday at the races"
The wife apologizes profusely and goes back to doing her own thing.
Ten minutes later she comes back into the room and again begins beating the daylights out of her husband.
"What the hell are you doing now?" he asks
"Your horse just called!" answers the wife.

[632 Regal]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

[632 Regal]

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

[GoldenOne]

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

i thought that was the better one lol all funny though!

[GJPinAU]

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

Download - Get the firewood off the ute

Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

Window - What you shut when it's cold

Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

Byte - What mosquitoes do

Bit - What mosquitoes did

Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

Chip - A bar snack

Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem - What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe - What holds the shed up

Web - What spiders make

Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

Upgrade - A steep hill

Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online - When you get the laundry hung out

Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up.

[GJPinAU]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.