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Thread: **********April Joke Thread**********

  1. #1
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    Default **********April Joke Thread**********

    Lets start the month off by picking on the Scottish. It offends me and I'm not comming back because of this abuse!
    ============================

    A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
    Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of Africans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

    "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the
    pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

    After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

    "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

    "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no Blacks depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch
    95 E34 530I V2.37
    ===========
    Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

    John F. Kennedy

  2. #2
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    Subject: Teachers Question



    The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
    body part increases to 7 times it's normal size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not
    be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
    and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

    With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her
    and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times it
    normal size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
    is she gonna get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervoulsy, and said, "The body
    part that increases 7 times it's size when stimulated is the pupil of the
    eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin." She then turned to Mary and
    continueded, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

    1. you have a dirty mind
    2. you didn't read your homework assignment; and
    3. one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.
    95 E34 530I V2.37
    ===========
    Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

    John F. Kennedy

  3. #3
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    Mar 2006
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    Default

    Why do brides wear white?












    So that your dishwasher will match your refridgerator and stove.

  4. #4
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    A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the
    country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The
    hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before
    him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
    He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than
    let liquor touch these lips."
    The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
    "****, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
    95 E34 530I V2.37
    ===========
    Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

    John F. Kennedy

  5. #5
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    Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
    The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
    The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a **** in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like ****. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
    all america wants is cold beer warm cat and a place to take a poop with a door on it

  6. #6
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    Mar 2005
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    Houston, TX
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    Default

    What do an Alabama divorce and a tornado have in common?


    Somebody's gonna lose a trailer before it's all over.

  7. #7
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    BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

    SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

    ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

    SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

    CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles

    PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

    MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

    SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

    STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

    SWIPEOUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

    XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

    IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

    PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

    ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

    404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

    GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

    OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

    WOOFS - Well-Off Older Folks.

    CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
    95 E34 530I V2.37
    ===========
    Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

    John F. Kennedy

  8. #8
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    new rules for 2006

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket — water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
    all america wants is cold beer warm cat and a place to take a poop with a door on it

  9. #9
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    In keeping with the Scottish joke theme:.......

    The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy some underwear!"

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

    "OCH!! Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

  10. #10
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    When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his

    sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

    So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted

    the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his

    breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he

    walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll

    inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,

    three days later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much smarter than men...
    95 E34 530I V2.37
    ===========
    Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

    John F. Kennedy

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