****** March Joke Thread ******

[DaCan23]

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[dacoyote]

A Parrot Named "Chet"


One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[632 Regal]

joke threads need 10 ****s on each side so it conforms with the rest.


lol

[dacoyote]

joke threads need 10 ****s on each side so it conforms with the rest.


lol

lol.... thats what you get for slacking....

[Akhil]

1# Fly Around

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read:

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."


2# Which Type of Woman Is Yours?

HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM woman: She forgets about you the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET woman: Difficult to access.

SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife" when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.



3# Layoffs!


Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Parliament said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Parliament said, "How does the watchman do his job without instructions?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Parliament said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two advisors. One to do the studies and one to write the reports

Then Parliament said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer.

Then Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Parliament said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

[Akhil]

1# Computers Gender


A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Now, you decide what to call a Computer...



2# Murphys Law

Re-interpretation of Murphys' laws. You know whom to blame for all your problems from now on .....

Murphy's Technology Law 1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law 2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law 3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law 4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law 5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law 6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law 7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law 8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law 9:
All's well that ends.

Murphy's Technology Law 10:
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law 11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law 12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law 13:
New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law 14:
To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law 15:
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law 16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law 17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.


3# Tech Support for Cars!

If People Thought of Cars like they do about Computers - Tech-support people will find this especially amusing...

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did . . .


Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
Helpline : "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Helpline: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"



Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
Helpline: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know!?"
Helpline: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
Helpline: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"



Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
Helpline: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
Helpline: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- . and now it won't start!"
Helpline: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"



Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Helpline: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer : "How do I work it?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"


4# Unusual funeral procession

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral ike this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Join the queue."

[winfred]

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Albert Einstein

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
Abraham Lincoln

The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly
Abraham Lincoln

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes
Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick
George Burns

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Henry Youngman

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Benjamin Franklin

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before...I am a boon to the English language
George W Bush

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Albert Einstein

[winfred]

Steven Wright:

I have a large collection of seashells.....Maybe you've seen it.....I keep it scattered across beaches all over the world.

Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

What's the youngest you can die of old age?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?



Johnny Carson interviewing Arnold Palmer:

JC: "What routine do you follow before a tournament?"

AP: "My wife gives my balls a kiss."

JC: "I bet that really makes your putter stand up!"

[dacoyote]

Dear Abby,

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to
satisfy your physical needs as a man." Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time With her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went Christmas shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so

excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[winfred]

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3.'

I said, "6," replies Tony.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Tony says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please
use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to
go."

Brooklyn Tony thinks for a bit and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!"


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!' "


Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candybars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business."


Brooklyn Tony on THINKING

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence,
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."