*******april joke thread********

[winfred]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Zeuk in Oz]

The Celtic manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Henrik Larsson and hopefully win Celtic the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker whom he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Celtic manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Parkhead.

Two weeks later Celtic are 4-0 down to Rangers with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Celtic.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. “Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. " I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Glasgow in the first
place!"

[Rory535i]

haha. very good zeuk

[winfred]

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

[winfred]

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their own design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit,
using a knive, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fith was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,
Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and ****ed it and called it a cunt.

[632 Regal]

Hillary's first night as President - YEAR 2008



Hillary Clinton is spending her first night in the White House as president. She has waited so long . . . . .

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

[GJPinAU]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*** off" said the old lady. "I haven't got
any money" and she proceeded to shut the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.

"Don't be so hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."
And with that he emptied a bucket of horse **** all over her hallway
carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the
electricity was cut off this morning."

[bahnstormer]

good one!

[winfred]

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

[GJPinAU]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. *She gets into the cab, and the cab driver starts staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't *want to offend you". *She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. *When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. *I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: *#1, you have to be single and *#2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. *"Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. *I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.