march joke thread

[winfred]

Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!

[winfred]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted....

[bahnstormer]

New Reports of Terrorist Activity
Did you hear about the Polish Terrorist who tried to put a scare into America?
He covered his monitor with Anthrax and then sent an e-mail to the President.


Did you hear about the Blond Terrorist who tried to put a scare into America?
She put the Anthrax into an envelope, then sealed it with a kiss...


Did you hear about the idiot Republican Terrorist who tried to put a scare into America?
He recently lost his hearing.






Investments
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time
they made love for the next 30 years, as he assumed it was a cute way
for her to buy new clothes, etc.

When she arrived home around noon one day, she found her husband in a
very disturbed and drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard
him tell of the ravages of financial ruin coming down on them as a
result of corporate down sizing and it's effects on them as a 50 year
old executive and wife.

The calm-headed wife loaded him into her car and drove down to the
local hospital; pointing to that fine structure, she informed him that
he owned the land it was built on and that they were paid $6000 per
month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest
for 12 years that totaled nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank and
handed him stock
certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informed him that he
was also the largest stockholder of the bank. She told him that for 30
years she had charged him each time they had sex, and all this was the
results of her investments.

By now he was very distraught and began beating his head against the
side of the car. She was amazed and asked him why he was so seemingly
disappointed at such good news.

He replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given
you all of my business!"






Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"


QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:

A husband and his wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


DECEPTIVE SEX:

A man and his secretary are having a torrid affair. One afternoon they can't
contain their passion, so they rush over to her place where they spend the
afternoon making passionate love. When they're finished, they fall asleep,
not waking until 8 o'clock. They get dressed quickly, then the man tells his
secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered,
she does as he asks, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she
asks where he's been. The man replies, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary
and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place,
spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looks at him, notices his shoes and yells, "I can see those grass
stains on your shoes, YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't
you?"


CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man is in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" is mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assures him that modern medicine can give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it's
considered cosmetic.

The doctor says that the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for
"medium, $14,000 for "large." The man is sure he wants a medium or large,
but the doctor urges him to talk it over with his wife before he makes any
decision. The man calls his wife on the phone and explains their options.

The doctor comes back into the room, and finds the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asks the doctor.

The man answers, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

[winfred]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[spider55]

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After
what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man
managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car
park
and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the
breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol
at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the
Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

True story.

[winfred]

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[spoolinturbo]

an 18 year old blonde just received a brand new convertible in celebration of her birthday. As shes leaving the dealership and enters the on-ramp she cuts off a tractor trailer. The tractor trailer driver flashes his lights and signals for her to pull over. The tractor trailer driver is on his last string today and not in a good mood. As he notices shes blonde he grabs a razor and a peice of chalk. He draws a circle on the side of the road, he says "stand in the cirlce and do not move" she obliges. He walks over to her car and starts to cut up her new leather seats with the razor. when hes finished he turns his head and sees shes giggling. this only brings the tractor trailer up a notch so he gets his little baseball bat out of his cab and knocks out the headlights and tail-lights. He looks over her shoulder and her laugh is even greater, more of a snicker with her hand over her mouth. this only confuses him, so he knocks off the mirrors and stabs the tires with the razor. No shes just out there laughing, so he goes to his cab and grabs a sledgehammer, and just goes to town on the convertible, nothing left untouched, completely distroyed...when hes done and exhausted he turns to her and shes on the ground just dying of laughter...he walks over and asks her "what the hell are u laughing about?!??" the blonde says..."every time you turn around i step outside the circle"

[lesage]

From Her Britannic Majesty's place...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged ant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[Javier]

Urgent

I’m selling in an urgent basis, at an unbeatable price,

BMW 325i, black/black, 1993, single owner, 30Kmi, no details with the exception of a small dent in the roof, as a result of a soccer balloon hit.

USD 1.500, negotiable, All documents OK.

Photo attached

[GJPinAU]

An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."



Moral:
Old age and cunning will over youth and enthusiasm every time.