Jokes 1-2005

[632 Regal]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,”Cause you're ugly."

[632 Regal]

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone."The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone."A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing away.The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?The husband replied, "Watching the ball game with my son-in-law.

[winfred]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...Then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday ... around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[zygoteer]

Dan lived in the northern forests of Canada and was excited about his new hunting rifle, so, he went bear hunting
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it

Suddenly, there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a BIG black bear
The black bear said, "That was a BIG mistake, Dan. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Dan decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dan soon recovered and vowed revenge
He headed back out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it

Suddenly, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a HUGE grizzly bear stood right next to him
The grizzly said, "That was a HUGE mistake, Dan. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Dan thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Dan finally recovered
Outraged, he headed back into the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it

He felt sweet revenge, but suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned to find a GIANT polar bear standing there
The polar bear shook his head slowly and said, "hmmm ... lets face it Dan, you really gotta admit it, you don't come here for the hunting, do you ?"

[632 Regal]

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The
doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So
he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in
the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired
the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He
said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my
face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

[Derek A.]

Correct use of the "F" word .


When is @#$% Acceptable?



There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has

been considered acceptable for use.


They are as follows:


11. "What the @#$% do you mean,

we are sinking?"


-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912



10. "What the @#$% was that?"


-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945



9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"


-- Custer, 1877



8. "Any @#$%ing idiot

could understand that."


-- Einstein, 1938



7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"


-- Picasso, 1926



6. "How the @#$%

did you work that out?"


-- Pythagoras, 126 BC






5. "You want WHAT

on the @#$%ing ceiling?"


-- Michelo, 1566




4. "Where the @#$% are we?"


-- Amelia Earhart, 1937



3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,

my ass!"


-- Noah, 4314 BC



2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"


-- Bill Clinton, 1998



and a drum roll please............!





1. "Geez, I didn't think


they'd get this


@%#*^ing mad."


-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

[gale]

A scene from "A Few Good Structural Engineers"

Engineer (Jack Nickelson): You want answers?
Architect (Tom Cruise): I think I'm entitled to them.
Engineer: You want answers?
Architect: I want the truth!!

Engineer : You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has FLOORS.
And those FLOORS have to be SUPPORTED BY COLUMNS.
Who's gonna DESIGN THEM? You? You, MR. ARCHITECT?
I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
You weep for LOST FLOOR SPACE and you curse the COLUMNS.
You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know:
that
THOSE COLUMNS, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth.
Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that DESIGN TEAM. You need me on that DESIGN TEAM.

We use words like DESIGN, code, ANALYSIS...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent SUPPORTING something. You use 'em as a punchline.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain my DESIGN to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very STRUCTURES I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a STEEL MANUAL and DESIGN a post.
Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Architect : Did you SCHEDULE THE COLUMNS?
Engineer : (quietly) I did the job you HIRED me to do.
Architect : Did you SCHEDULE THE COLUMNS?
Engineer : You're goddamn right I did!!

[632 Regal]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing
alone.
He approached her and asked her name. "My name's Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"Oh no," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the two things I
love most -- cars and men.
And what's your name?" she asked.

"Beerfuck," he replied.

[winfred]

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names." The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

[winfred]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.