new bad joke thread

[winfred]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[Jimmy535i]

Circle Flies




A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he
was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if
that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to
call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect forlaw
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[bimmerd00d]

So this pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel hanging from his pants.
The Bartender asks him, "Why do you have a steering wheel hanging off your pants?"
the pirate says, "YARRRRRRG... it's driving me nuts"

[632 Regal]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[bahnstormer]

WW WA PP ATR
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.
However, each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant
aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants Ladies
room, but cautioned him not to press any of this buttons

There next to the paper roll were 4 buttons marked:
WW WA PP ATR

Making the mistake sooooo many men makes of not listening to a
woman, he disregarded what she said, when curiosity got the best of
him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle
flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought "WOW"! these gals really have it nice!" So a little more
boldly, he pressed the WA button, Body Temperature Warm Air blew
across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "AH-HA"! he thought,
"no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind
of services!"

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable
Powder Puff swung below and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man,
this is great!" he thought, as he reached for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so
in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what
happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the
Ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time,
until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button; By the way,
your penis is under your pillow".

[bahnstormer]

Potential and Reality
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He
asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between
potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it
to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what
you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his
father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks
around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says,
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister
looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in
reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

old one but i like it

[bahnstormer]

Candidate Gives Viagra, Calls for Nation to Rise

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - Promising to invigorate Colombians in the
struggle against war and corruption, a presidential candidate startled
drivers by handing out samples of impotence drug Viagra.

"We want our votes to dose Colombia with Viagra, to lift and to firm up the
country, make peace swell, by standing up to the corrupt and stiffening our
people," presidential hopeful Ingrid Betancourt told Reuters at traffic
lights Thursday in downtown Bogota.

Followed by nervous police bodyguards and assistants dangling plastic bags
of tablets, the slightly built Betancourt -- wearing a blue, Viagra-colored
T-shirt -- darted from car to car as they stopped at red lights.

"Colombia must rise up!" exclaimed a scruffily dressed man with curly gray
hair after Betancourt gave him a pill.

-- from Yahoo! News ( http://news.yahoo.com/ ) - And yes, it is a real story.

[bahnstormer]

We're off to see the wizard...
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they
spin to OZ. After a long walk down the yellow brick road, they finally
make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran,
so I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE
GREAT WIZARD?"

Up steps George Bush sadly; "I'm told by the American people that
I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there,
looking around, not saying a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?" Clinton replies.

[bahnstormer]

Great White Throne
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addressed Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replied, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and said "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."


hooo hhahhahahahahahhaha

[bahnstormer]

WHAT IS A CAT ?

1) Cats do what they want
2) They rarely listen to you
3) They're totally unpredictable
4) They whine when they are not happy
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim
8) They're moody
9) They leave hair everywhere
10) They drive you nuts and cost you money

CONCLUSION: They're tiny little women in fur coats.


WHAT IS A DOG?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy
5) When you want to play, they want to play
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play
7) They are great at begging
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies
9) They can never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere
10 ) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then they try to
give you a kiss

CONCLUSION: They're tiny little men in fur coats.