Official Joke Thread

[bahnstormer]

If the mods could sticky this please.
Lets keep all the jokes in one thread,
I hate having to search mulitple threads.
So here goes:

Three Labrador Retrievers
Three Labrador Retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The
black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown
lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the
cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the
middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me
Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing
it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks,
"Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab
inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab
said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's
office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll
hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and
was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped
on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for
You too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[bahnstormer]

This one should be appreciated by the mostly older
crowd here, but I liked it a lot too.

A Highly Practiced Technique
A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid
is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his
teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at
just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and
lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in
the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a
coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup
down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the
counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the
market.

Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man
carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the
boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in
the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the
man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never
seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are
you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

[winfred]

A tale is told about a small town that had historically been "dry," but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern. A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night
prayer meeting to ask God to intervene.
It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible.
The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that "no matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear.
The tavern owner believes in prayer and the Christians do not."

[winfred]

A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside andshe greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T".

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again answers "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank God It's Friday. Get it, - duuhhh?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T - - - Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[winfred]

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself -Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. -Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. -Unknown

[winfred]

A Dad asked his 5 year old son what he wanted for Christmas.
The kid had picked up a lot of swear words in the neighborhood and answered, "I want a new tricycle and I want the damn thing right there next to the tree when I get up. I want a new red wagon right there next to the damn front door and and a new ten speed bike right next to the damn garage. Okay?

Dad had been telling the kid to knock off with the swear words and he didn't like his attitude so he decided to teach him a lesson.

When the kid got up Christmas morning he found a pile of dog shit next to the tree and another pile next to the front door where his wagon was supposed to be.

He went out to the garage and found another huge pile of dog shit.

Just then a neighbor kid came by and asked the five year old what he got for Christmas.

The kid answered, I think I got a dog but I can't find the son of a bitch!

[winfred]

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply:

Dear Madam: The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. They are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to go regularly.

It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

[winfred]

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Nebraska Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[winfred]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

[winfred]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as my wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.-Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.