New Jokes 10/27/04

[632 Regal]

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was
a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in
the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let
up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing
and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger
window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side
screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face
there!"

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a
little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window
down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a
cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette
and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in
terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start
laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty
fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man
again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the
window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer,
trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again
there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO
YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

[GJPinAU]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[winfred]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[winfred]

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, "St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn''t make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

[Am Piobaire]

If Star Wars were set in Glasgow...
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress
That Dome-Heided Basturd'.
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall,
from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but
would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and sport a
Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his
cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as
Wanky-Nobby.

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number
of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on
him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because
of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding
train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to
understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would
regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and
extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland
sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run
very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver
mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've
been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not turn out to be a desperate
all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed
through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave
it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny." "
The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at
your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a
decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"

Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"

Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"

[gale]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. he doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truly Yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very Truly Yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a carmel apple . . .

[632 Regal]

Not for faint of heart

If you have a weak stomach - don't look at this URL.....

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real.







Suicide Jumper

[632 Regal]

A good ol' boy had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of his pickup truck and
one behind it. Then just stood back and waited.


A passerby from the city studied the scene as he drove by and was
so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
problem was. The fellow replied, "Flat tire."


In response the passerby asked, "But, what's with the flowers?"


The man responded, "When ya' break down they tell ya' to put flares
in the front and flares in the back. I ain't never understood it neither."

[GJPinAU]

Most people have heard about the beauty of Bali, but now it's time to
discover and experience it first hand. A perfect gateway where the white
sandy beach, crystal blue sea, magnificent scenery, tropical air,
colorful culture and traditions and local hospitality, are reality. The
amazing choice of different activities available in Bali means that
there is indeed something for everyone. Whether you want to throw
yoursef from high attitudes, hurtle down frothing rapids, explore the
wonders of the deep or just lie back and take it easy, Bali has
perfected the art of keeping her guests happy to treat and pamper with a
memorable experience to a little peace of heaven.

Now, how's this for some happy holiday snaps? Not all that long ago a
lovely young couple came together to be joined forever in marriage. They
were surrounded by family and friends in a beautiful wedding that they
both will never forget once happen in their life. The following day they
jumped on a plane and headed to the tropical paradise, that is Bali.

They checked into the Hard Rock Bali Hotel. They toured the sites and
enjoy the sounds. They ate at fancy restaurants. They made love anytime
they have chance, but it didnt stop there. From a lot of wonderful gifts
they received for their wedding they were delighted to find a brand new
digital camera amongst them. They brought this with them on their
honeymoon and it's safe to say this is what kind of gets them in
trouble. The adventurous and some what kinky hubby decided they'd like
to capture a whole bunch of happy snaps of their wonderful time, in
various poses.

The pictures below pretty much explain what happened from then on. What
they don't realize is that the honeymooner couple accidentally left the
camera behind in their hotel room upon checking out, a camera which was
discovered by a Room Boy who cleaned the room, a camera that the Room
Boy then sold nice and cheap to another tourist.

So, you guess what happen next! Another tourist who discovered the
contents of the memory card, a tourist who thought it would be nice to
spread the photo's across the Internet.

And the rest is, internet history.........


http://www.hornyminded.com/pics/bali/image01.jpg

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http://www.hornyminded.com/pics/bali/image03.jpg

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http://www.hornyminded.com/pics/bali/image09.jpg

http://www.hornyminded.com/pics/bali/image10.jpg

[632 Regal]

cant get into the server...dammit!