New Joke Thread 10/15/2004

[Jimmy535i]

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear
it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his
chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No
thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,"

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like."

[632 Regal]

Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the
waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican
Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos"
gave the expected
answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says "No Mexican Jews!"


"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no
Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "We have orange
Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of
Mexican Jews!"

[rickm]

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the
Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

[winfred]

A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to Kansas City International Airport.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Kansas City. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay here in Kansas City."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in KC?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take
that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get
a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts
to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

[Bimmer Nut Ed]

You guys are hillarious. Where the heck do you get all these jokes from, I love it.

[GJPinAU]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

[winfred]

A guy goes to hell and is met by the , who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and selects that room. The walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved".

[winfred]

As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[SharkmanBMW]

Lmfao!!!!!

[winfred]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding
cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."