Another Joke thread 9/30/04

[632 Regal]

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was re- sponsible for
returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I
walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of
the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting
area.

"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

[632 Regal]

Joseph Goldbergh passed on,so Martha his widow, went to put his obituary in
the local newspaper.

The assistant handed her the form to fill in. When Martha handed it back,
she had written "Joseph Goldbergh is dead".

The assistant was a bit shocked to read this short note, and trying to help,
she said, you know that for no extra money you can add at least another 3
words. She was hoping that Martha would put something more appropriate.

Martha thanked the young lady, and rewrote the obituary to say this, "Joseph
Goldbergh is dead, Car for sale"

[632 Regal]

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole, it's Ten past three in the morning!"

[632 Regal]

luvbunnyfunnyhunny: hi... anyyone there?
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: weell anyway, guess your not there?
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: ok well look me up when you get bacck if you feel like it. i have a pic in my profile and a link to my homepage if your interested. was just lookin for someone to chat with.
regal632: Hello?
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: hold on a minute. be rightt back
regal632: huh?
regal632: automated...cool
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: ok im back. sorry boout that. still there?
regal632: yep
regal632: whats up
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: oh your there : hi...
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: a/s/l (age sex loation)?
regal632: 89/neutered/saturn
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: im 27/f/UA. was lookin at your profile. thought you might like to chat.
regal632: whats UA? United artists?
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: so what have you been up to regal6632?
regal632: feeding wildabeasts
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: cool. i waw just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny (*blushes)
regal632: a bot
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: feel like a little cyber fun with me ? pleasr please...
regal632: bots homepage dont work
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: bot? whats that? some kinda insult or something??
regal632: your stupid as mud arent you?
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: oh no not work... thats a 4 letter wordd you know..
regal632: The page cannot be displayed
The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings.
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: i think ill just take that as a yes... being as that im starting to gt real horny here.. lol ok?
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: alright how bout i get down on my knees in front of you and help you ouz of your pants?
regal632: i like to bury my garbage under my car
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: tell me what you want me to do with you while i soip out of my panties
regal632: Did you ever go to school? You suck at spelling
regal632: i want you to jump out of the window
luvbunnyfunnyhunny: oh yeah babe.. dont stop. while i slide my hand down between my legs an part my moist lips
regal632: can you sit on hot ashphault too?
regal632: hey!
regal632: can you find me some red ants?
regal632: my kid would really enjoy a pack of them
regal632: Hello?
regal632: Maybe I'm too romantic for you

[winfred]

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[Reidal]

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There is no way that could happen "No, it’s true". The first man said. "Let me prove it to you" He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again" says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says "It works, I'll try it " He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9,th, 8th, floors.....and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says ", you know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

[Reidal]

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED GIRLS KNEW.....

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It can't be altered so just let it be.
7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, shortstops, and carburettors.
8. Shopping is not a sport.
9. Anything you wear is fine. Really!
10. You have enough clothes.
11. You have too many shoes.
12. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
13. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will mark anniversaries on a calendar.
14. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometime.
15. Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress ??
16. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
17. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. see a doctor.
18. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
19. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
20. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
21. If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
23. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
24. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
25. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

[rickm]

HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
we could talk; he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him; he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say he
loved me too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He
seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
And to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere
else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront
him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and
cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

=========================================
HIS DIARY

LSU lost today. Bummer. Got laid though.

[winfred]

Questions and answers about women

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your check.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.

[winfred]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."