New round of Jokes

[632 Regal]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[632 Regal]

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

[632 Regal]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[632 Regal]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house. A little
later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened
it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To
which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[632 Regal]

The teacher at P.S.129 in New York City was
teaching her third grade class about farm animals.

She asks the Italian kid, "Mario, what does a
chicken sound like?"
Mario replies, The chicken, he go cluck, cluck, cluck."
"That's correct," the teacher says.

To an Irish kid, she asks, "Patrick, what does a cow sound like?"
Patrick answers, "The cow goes mooo."
"Correct," responds the teacher.

To the black kid, she asks, "Tyrone, what does a pig sound like?"
Tyrone shouts, "Freeze, motherfucker!"

[632 Regal]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband
is at work. Unbeknownst to her, 9 year old son
was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home
unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet
with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the
baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I
sold them."


The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that. That is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the
door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again

[632 Regal]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly
gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first
man touches his brow in obvious concentration and finally said to his
companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to
someone you love?"

His friend replied, "A carnation?"

"No. No. The other one," the man said.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know...the one that is red and has
thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

"YES. That's it. Thank you!" He then turns toward the kitchen and
yelled, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?"

[GJPinAU]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you." replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house.
We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"


"Dunno... never found the head"

[winfred]

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[winfred]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."


....HOWEVER....
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.