joke?!

[winfred]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.

[winfred]

what do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know lots of neat stuff about tanks, planes, cars, etc.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes flat.
No wonder men are happier than women!

[winfred]

Little David was in his 4th grade class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman,
policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the
teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
takes off his clothes in front of other men and
they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, he goes home with some guy
and makes love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some
other work while she took little David aside to ask him, "Is that
really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic
National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids..."

[winfred]

Subject: Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were
taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9
mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket,
huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I
am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat
or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and
step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets
as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good
personal friend of yours. At least you know someone
who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

[Robert K]

Every so often, I actually think about the differences between being a man and a woman...and I am so glad I'm a man!

Quick example...I'm filling in as a shop supervisor in one of our sheltered workshops for persons with disabilities. The other day, the switch in our 10 year old drill press quits working. The line supervisor, a woman, states, "the drill press is broken." I looked at it and said, "it's just the switch." In about ten minutes, I had it fixed, with the same switch, and in better condition than it's been for years. I love being a man!

Grace and peace,

Robert K
1991 535i

[winfred]

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling > > the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.

[GJPinAU]

BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
MATHEMATICS EXAM


NAME ............................



GANG ............................



Time allowed 1 hour



1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts
on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost
from the stock suspension?



2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many
razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?



3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl
then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many
kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?



4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil
for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street
value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?



5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from
Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a
further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11
children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed
Tarago from the auctions?


6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the
average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger
spray with 3 cans of paint?



7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial
hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother
need if she is 47?



8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6
out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many
drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?



9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer
every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he
change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?



10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on
weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him
for his job search allowance?



11. If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5%
per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at
what rate are the Aussies leaving?



12. Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit,
how many ounces of cut will he need?



13. Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and
$100.00 for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW's and three Falcons,
how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?



14. If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a
number 3 on top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all
round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows
evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)



15. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the
trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can
pay for his $200 per day crack habit?



16. If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per
hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate"
in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith
has a population of 10,000?



17. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from
Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of
his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any
one given time?



18. If Ahmed uses 1 kg of "bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans
of spray paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for
$9.00 each and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature
averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?



19. Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,000.00
for the hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How
much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years
will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?



20. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and
reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has
approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average
length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible
from:



a) 2 feet away .....%

b) 5 feet away .....%

c) 100 feet away .....%



21. If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and
she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of
filo pastry will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and
she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?



22. Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in
the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?



23. If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the
auctions, how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from
school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per
hour?



24. If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing
her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees
will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting
1 metre apart from Julie?



END OF EXAM

[winfred]

i think i remember some of those questions

BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
MATHEMATICS EXAM

END OF EXAM

[Springfield1952]

Yesterday, our receptionist's computer went dead. Nothing she did would revive it and she told me she needed to send it out to get fixed. I unplugged it from the power strip, tried the wall socket and magically it started!

Every so often, I actually think about the differences between being a man and a woman...and I am so glad I'm a man!

Quick example...I'm filling in as a shop supervisor in one of our sheltered workshops for persons with disabilities. The other day, the switch in our 10 year old drill press quits working. The line supervisor, a woman, states, "the drill press is broken." I looked at it and said, "it's just the switch." In about ten minutes, I had it fixed, with the same switch, and in better condition than it's been for years. I love being a man!

Grace and peace,

Robert K
1991 535i

[Robert K]

I've got to share that one with the wife in the morning.

Grace and peace,

Robert K
1991 535i