joke

[winfred]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[ryan roopnarine]

here are some jokes that 12 year olds would find funny.



A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."



Three potatoes are walking down the street. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

The one wearing the sticker that says I-DA-HO.

[1992 BMW 535i]

Ryan, that's so bad! But I've got one that's worse.

Why is it dangerous to have sex with a sparrow? You might get chirpes.

[winfred]

A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"
The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"
The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"
The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"
The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!"

[GJPinAU]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

[kevind89e34]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."


i like the simple ones

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

[GJPinAU]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[winfred]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

[632 Regal]

must be a new one, never heard that one....lol J/K

[632 Regal]

A Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell
you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."

Scroll down for each answer.

The questions are NOT that difficult.

But don't scroll down

UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
















The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in
an overly complicated way.



2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

























Did you say,
"Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?"
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the elephant!
and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of
your previous actions.






3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend... except one ...
Which animal does not attend?














Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.
Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions
correctly, you still have one more chance
to show your true abilities.






4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles,
and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
















Correct Answer:
You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.



This t! ests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide,
around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions
wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory
that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.