You need a joke each day.

[GJPinAU]

Mama needs new clothes

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are perverts

[winfred]

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."

[bahnstormer]

winfred i've seen you at your best, and now, i'm
sad to say i've seen you at your worst. lol =]

[GJPinAU]

Enough said!!!!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken"

[winfred]

A Dad asked his 5 year old son what he wanted for Christmas.

The kid had picked up a lot of swear words in the neighborhood and answered, "I want a new tricycle and I want the damn thing right there next to the tree when I get up. I want a new red wagon right there next to the damn front door and and a new ten speed bike right next to the damn garage. Okay?

Dad had been telling the kid to knock off with the swear words and he didn't like his attitude so he decided to teach him a lesson.

When the kid got up Christmas morning he found a pile of dog shit next to the tree and another pile next to the front door where his wagon was supposed to be.

He went out to the garage and found another huge pile of dog shit.

Just then a neighbor kid came by and asked the five year old what he got for Christmas.

The kid answered, I think I got a dog but I can't find the son of a bitch!

[winfred]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

[Paul in NZ]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken"

thats strange the version I have heard is the NASA scientists asking the poms why they kept breaking the screens

[sbcncsu]

Enough said!!!!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken"

[ryan roopnarine]

i musta seen that like 10 or 11 times now. have you seen the end of season follow up episode where they "finally" settle it? i would have thought the aircraft windshield would tell all that needed to be known about the subject.

[GJPinAU]

Men Vs Women

WHO'S WHO:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a washcloth and towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.