A New Joke Thread....Bad day

[632 Regal]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly,
the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two
digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone,I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to
pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" Yes it is."
Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen,"he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Bimmer out front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello Asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
Now, I feel better.

[winfred]

Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide.
Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe.
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob.
Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside.
What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"

[GJPinAU]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS DOING OIL CHANGES ON THEIR CARS


Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000klms since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: Oil Change $55.00 Coffee $2.50 Total $57.50



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.
2) Stop by Liquorland and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.
9) Give up and use pliers.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: ! Splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to Liquorland buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower fuel.
29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin swearing fit.
34) Throw stupid pliers.
35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August (2002)
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $95.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $60.00 Total-- $4230.00

You know the job was done and you know the job was done right !!

[GJPinAU]

How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

[winfred]

i needed that, one of my dogs died today

[DueyT]

Winfred, sorry to hear that...it hurts to loose one of "your best friends"...

Take care!
Duey

[632 Regal]

Sorry to hear that Winfred, hope he is in a better place for now.

[TheGeak]

Man that sucks Winfred....best wishes, though nothing will replace the companionship...

[Unregistered]

The first part about how to make a woman happy is correct.

I knew another version for the rest...

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Show up naked!
2. Bring food and beer!

[JR'Z 525]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend Winfred. I know how it feels...
JR