**************** August Joke Thread *****************

[gale]

a little campaign humor
(ROLFLMAO)

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d0a842c3d2

[mattyb]

What do clouds and women have in common?
When they fuck off you know its gonna be a good day!

[mattyb]

Q. Do you want a new 8GB NokiaN95 Including 10,000 txts & 1000 mins freetime, any network. With it you get a 52" Sony HD LCD TV, + 160GB Ipod nano + a fully a stocked crown lager mini-fridge. Its a 6 month minimum contract & 12.50 per month!!!!

Simply log onto www.dreamoncunt.com

[indierthanthou]

You must have misread. This is the August JOKE thread. Jokes are supposed to be funny. Kind of like this:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: " Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

[ironie]

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldnŽt wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife:
"Honey, IŽll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"IŽm going to the bar, Pretty Face. IŽm going to have a beer."

The wife said:
"You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didnŽt know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
"Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didnŽt get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying:
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said:
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors dŽoeuvres that are really delicious... I wonŽt be long. IŽll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors dŽoeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors dŽoeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know thereŽs swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS DŽOEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISNŽT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" .

[GJPinAU]

Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?," grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[GJPinAU]

Classic Clarkson quotes
>
>
> "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of
> the people carriers. Not
> that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
> "Ooh good I've got
> syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
> diseases."
>
> "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not
> driving it is a bit like
> having Keira Knightley in your bed and on
> the couch. If you've
> got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
>
>
> .."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was
> when a politician
> stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of
> paper in the air saying
> there will be no war with Germany"
>
> "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country
> with no word for w****r"
>
> On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine
> this in black, with tan
> leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
>
> Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It
> couldn't pull a greased
> stick out of a pig's bottom'
>
> On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
> "there is a word to describe this car: it begins
> with "s" and ends with
> "t" and its not "soot".
> Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
> Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly
> terrible: this is another
> league of badness!"
>
> "some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at
> homeless people - and
> that he long before anyone else realised that Jade
> Goody is a racist pig
> faced waste of blood and organs............all we
> know, is that he's
> called the Stig!"
>
> "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like
> unprotected sex with an
> Ethiopian transvestite"
>
> "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming
> stationary... That's
> what gets you."
>
> 'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an
> asthmatic sitting in the
> dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
>
> "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more
> comfortable. More comfortable
> than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
> "The only person to ever look good in the back of a
> 4-seater convertible
> was Adolf Hitler"
>
> (Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't
> allowed to have a party,
> you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed
> to play ball games,
> you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to
> park within two feet
> of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in
> bed by eleven. This
> is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
>
> (Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal,
> it would be less
> painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to
> miss."
>
> "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people
> have to get to places
> quicker than I do?"
>
> Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in
> the motorcars domain,
> they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right
> to be on the road,
> some of them even believe they are going fast enough
> to not be an
> obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
>
> "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came
> across a letter from a
> reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when
> this red Ferrari
> pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
> Clarkson shouted 'Get a
> car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get
> a car you
> faced, leaf-eating N**i."
>
> "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed
> unsafe...probably because
> they don't have wheel-chair access"
>
> 1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus,
> it can only live in
> the air for 6 seconds and it takes 10 years to do
> what ebola does to you
> in 10 days!"
> 2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I
> mean the blokes a bit
> dodgy"
> 3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for
> democracy!!!
> "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the
> 12 year old Cuban
> prostitutes which way her parents voted"
>
> "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't
> feature enough
> affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off
> tonight with the
> cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
>
> On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the
> entire French Air Force
> crashing into a firework factory."
>
> "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two
> engines on the back
> because of three very important reasons. One:
> weight. This is 600 Lbs and
> that's the same as having a whole American sitting
> on the tailgate..."
>
> In the olden days I always got the impression that
> TVR built a car, put it
> on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually
> when one of their
> customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
> dead he was.
>
> "the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created,
> not even when God was
> on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo,
> could fit into them."
>
> Assessing Hammond's crash:
> Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre
> is starting to come
> apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
> Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
> Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can
> be in the office on
> the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at
> me, wife etc, but if
> a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
> "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like
> being well-behaved...for a
> murderer."
>
> "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it
> is an animals duty to
> be on my plate at supper time"
>
> "There are footballers wives that would be happy
> with this quality of
> stitching... on their face"
>
> "Racing cars which have been converted for road use
> never really work.
> It's like making a hard core adult film, and then
> editing it so that it
> can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up
> with a sort of half hour
> close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
>
> "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might
> imagine. Think of it, if you
> like, as a librarian with a G-string under the
> tweed. I do, and it helps."
>
> "you can't have this car with a diesel, its like
> saying, I wont go to
> stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a
> lapdance, she's a
> woman!"
>
> Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American
> equivalent of a sports
> car...
> in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
> equivalent of a
> President.
>>
> Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly,
> I have seen more
> attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the
> sex appeal of a camel
> with gingivitis."
>
>> "We start tonight with the highlight of my
> childhood. It's the Ladybird
> Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would
> imagine it's full of rubbish
> really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
> get to page 40, where
> you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when
> I was little, was
> like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
> together.
> With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
>
> About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things
> I'd rather be doing
> than driving it, including waiting for Bernard
> Manning to come off stage
> in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back
> clean."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Sex In The Shower
In a recent survey, people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadnever been to prison ....

[mattyb]

whatever

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Rugby is the proper game played with an eliptical ball,,,,,,,,,,
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

' OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'