#############april joke thread##############

[ironie]

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."

[winfred]

A grandfather always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Pop Pop.
'Well,' the grandfather asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with Nana? '
'Oh yes, Pop Pop' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead!'

[ironie]

While he was fishing with his buddy, who also happened to be a Catholic priest, a pastor of a small church lamented the lack of tithings and offerings given him by his flock.

"Let me let you in on a little secret," said the priest, "I used to have the same problem as you. That is, until I found out how to use hypnosis."

The priest handed the pastor his rosary beads with a shiny brass cross on it, instructing him to subtly wave the cross back and forth at the pulpit while giving his sermon.

That Sunday, the pastor did exactly that and, when the offering plates were passed around, he asked everyone to give more than they've ever given. The offering exceeded $1000, which was a new record for him.

The next Sunday, the pastor repeated the cross-waving hypnosis and asked everyone to give until it hurts. He shattered the old record by bringing in over $5000.

Then, he got a little greedy. Figuring that, if he told everyone in town to bring their relatives and pack the church that he could all but retire. When Sunday arrived, it was standing room only and even the gallery was packed.

Getting a little nervous if he could even pull it off, he fidgeted with the beads all throughout his sermon. When it came time to pass the offering plates, the congregation was primed and ready.

Suddenly, the string snapped and the beads fell all over the floor. "Oh, shit!" he exclaimed.

It took three weeks to clean up the church.

[winfred]

A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover:
Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly, 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Regis.
'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Regis.
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
Two seconds later, Regis said, 'I regret to inform you that the answer is....absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!'
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on!' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

[mikell]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had
begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror...

[Ross]

Martians land on a remote farm and are greeted by the farmer and his wife.
The aliens explain they are on research mission to learn about human sex habits and would the human couple be interested in participating.
The martian man is little green fellow and the woman also small and green but otherwise human looking and not at all frightening. Sex has been a bit boring for the farm couple so they agree to exchange partners with the Martian couple.
The farmers wife shows the little green man to a guest bedroom while the farmer and the lady martian find a spot in the hayloft.
The martian man inquires as to the womans satisfaction. "Well, frankly if you were a bit longer things might be better" she says. The martian twists his left ear a bit and is instantly 10" long. "Is this better?" he asks. "Mmmm, yes, but, well I think it's the girth that is more important. Yes if only it were thicker."
Mr. martian now tweaks his right ear to grow his member to salami size. The farm woman is pleasured again and again by this little green man with the now enormous member.
When finished they walk outdoors and are greeted by the woman's husband and the martian woman, exchange goodbyes then the martians are off.
Back in the home the human couple sit at the kitchen table staring at each other feeling a bit guilty. The farmer breaks the ice. "So, how was it with the little guy?" After a long pause the wife admits that it was the most spectacular sex she has ever had. "Tell me Honey, how was it for you" asks the wife. "It was just fine I suppose, would have been better if she didn't fool around so much with my ears"

[e34.535i.sport]

What is the Difference between EMO grass and normal grass?
...
...
...
...
EMO grass cuts itself.

[ryan roopnarine]

Dr. Watson enters No. 10 Baker St. to visit his friend and colleague Sherlock Holmes. The housekeeper greets him at the door. Is Holmes in, Mrs. Hudson? 'Why yes, Doctor. I believe he is at this moment in the study, consulting with a schoolgirl.'Schoolgirl, eh?' Watson replies. 'A new case no doubt. I'm sure he won't mind me attending the discussion.' Watson enters the study quietly so as not to interrupt and is confronted by a shocking scene between Holmes and his young guest. 'God Heavens Holmes!?' He exclaims. 'What sort of "schoolgirl" is this!?'


'Elementary, Watson. Elementary'

[ironie]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a SIGH and said, "Let me see the fucking map again."

[mikell]

Dr. Watson enters No. 10 Baker St. to visit his friend and colleague Sherlock Holmes. The housekeeper greets him at the door. Is Holmes in, Mrs. Hudson? 'Why yes, Doctor. I believe he is at this moment in the study, consulting with a schoolgirl.'Schoolgirl, eh?' Watson replies. 'A new case no doubt. I'm sure he won't mind me attending the discussion.' Watson enters the study quietly so as not to interrupt and is confronted by a shocking scene between Holmes and his young guest. 'God Heavens Holmes!?' He exclaims. 'What sort of "schoolgirl" is this!?'


'Elementary, Watson. Elementary'

Uh, isn't it 221B Baker St.? Sorry to be picky - maybe he had a different place for such assignations.