new joke thingie or something

[winfred]

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?"

[winfred]

A little boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog behind him. He slaps a hundred dollars on the counter and says, Gimmie a whore with herpes. The woman behind the counter siad she couldn't possibly give him a whore with herpes. So the little boy slapped two hundred more dollars on the table and insisted, Gimmie a whore with herpes. The woman sighed and said, go up the stairs and down the hall, third door on the left. The little boy did, he came back down ten minutes later and starts to leave but the woman stops him. Can I ask you a question? she asked. The little boy nodded. Why did you want a whore with herpes? she asked. Well, the little boy explained, I have herpes now, I'll give it to the baby sitter, she'll giver it to my dad, my dad will give it to my mom, my mom will give it to the neighbor, who will give it to his wife, she'll give it to the mailman, and he's the asshole who ran over my frog!

[GJPinAU]

I noticed in the Joke Archive that Ed had missed Bad Joke(1).
Now that was a bit of BMW e34 history!

[winfred]

3 girls are running from the cops across a field. There's a brunette, blonde and a red-head. They come to a barn and decide to hide in there to elude the police. When they get into the barn they notice three sacks and decide each one will hide in a sack. In the event that the cops do come in, they would just make some barn noise. So, all three are waiting and the police go into the barn and check it out. One officer sees the sacks and goes over to check it out. He goes to the one with the brunette in it and gives it a little kick. "Meow", says the brunette. "Aw it's just a cat." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the red-head in it and gives it a kick. "Woof", she says. "Aw, it's just a dog." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the blonde in it and gives it a kick. And the blonde says "Potatoes."

[winfred]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[winfred]

this guy is checking out the new 777 super jetliner at it's introduction and he really has to use the washroom, but the men's one is occupied, so the stewardess lets him use the women's with one waring, "Don't press any of the buttons" she says. So he goes into the washroom, and beside the toilet are 4 buttons, WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Since he's curious, he presses WW, and Warm Water splashes onto his ass. Then he press WA and Warm Air dries it off. Thinking this is pretty cool, he press PP and Powder Puff poofs onto his butt. Now hes amazed, and he press ATR. Next thing he knows he's in the hospital. He doesn't know how he got there, so he asks the nurse and says the last thing I remember is being in the women's washroom and playing with all the cool buttons, and she says, "Ya you must have been having a great time till you pressed automatic tampon removal and it ripped your balls off"

[BennyM]

this guy is checking out the new 777 super jetliner at it's introduction and he really has to use the washroom, but the men's one is occupied, so the stewardess lets him use the women's with one waring, "Don't press any of the buttons" she says. So he goes into the washroom, and beside the toilet are 4 buttons, WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Since he's curious, he presses WW, and Warm Water splashes onto his ass. Then he press WA and Warm Air dries it off. Thinking this is pretty cool, he press PP and Powder Puff poofs onto his butt. Now hes amazed, and he press ATR. Next thing he knows he's in the hospital. He doesn't know how he got there, so he asks the nurse and says the last thing I remember is being in the women's washroom and playing with all the cool buttons, and she says, "Ya you must have been having a great time till you pressed automatic tampon removal and it ripped your balls off"

[MBXB]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously
knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely
unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall
out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

[632 Regal]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in an Amarillo
Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry,
sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned
with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no
success. Finally they summoned the police.

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."

[winfred]

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."