**********December Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

Canadia type of Joke...

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from
downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks
locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest
going on.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big Rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 7 per cent instead of approximately 200 per
cent for the rest of the country.
4. Flames vs. Oilers.
5. Stamps vs. Eskies.
6. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can
think of.
7. You live in the only province that could actually
afford to be its own country.
8. The Americans below you are all in anti-government
militia groups.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
3. Your province is really easy to draw.
4. You never have to worry about car roll-back if you
have a standard transmission.
5. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's
house.
6. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
7. People will assume you live on a farm.
8. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have
beachfront property.
2. The only province to ever violently rebel against
the federal government.
3. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
4. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
5. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.
6. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on
your mood.
7. Because of your licence plate, you are still
friendly even when you cut someone off.
8. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal
election.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist.
Separate from what? You are the centre of the
universe.
5. The only province with hard-core American-style
crime.
6. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on
national TV for a dollar.
7. You have to put up with Toronto.
8. The schools in Toronto don't have playgrounds. They
were torn down for liability issues. Kids join gangs
for fun.
9. Blackfly capital of the WORLD.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. The only province to ever kidnap federal
politicians.
3. You can take bets with your friends on which
English neighbor will move out next.
4. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in
Canada.
5. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo
*#!%".


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98 per cent
of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to
mention yours.
4. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying
Ontario motorists to Boston.
5. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
6. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
7. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed
fishermen.
8. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with
no television.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't,
think they can.
2. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.
3. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an
excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
4. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.
5. Even though it smells like dead sea animals,
Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,
you still got the big, new bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to
Avonlea".
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come
from.
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV
shows.
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables"
house, then promptly leave.
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or
with anyone for that matter.
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights
on and off at night.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock,
you can make them kiss dead cod.
3. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and
fish-related products.
4. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in
excuse.
5. You and only you understand the meaning of Great
Big Sea's lyrics.
6. The workday is about two hours long.
7. You are credited with many great inventions, like
the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for
submarines.
8. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders
on your wedding day.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN THE TERRITORIES:

1. No lawn to mow.
2. Dieting is easy, a can of coke costs $12
3. You understand the meaning of a '4 engine' mosquito
4. You don't need a flashlight in the summer or a life
in the winter
5. Shopping? What's that? Dinner walks by in ginormous
herds.
6. Your dogs actually DO something.

[winfred]

The theatrical agent, trying to sell a new strip act to a night-club manager, was raving about the girl's unbelievable 72-26-40 figure.
"What kind of a dance does she do?" the manager asked, duly impressed by the description of the girl's dimensions.
"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replied. "She just crawls out onto the stage and tries to stand up!"

[winfred]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?...

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[winfred]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him find something. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few moments later the man deposit a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string onto the counter.
The sales girl says confused " Sir .. i thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
He says " You see.. its like this, yesterday i sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she cam back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers cause .. ' its so much cheaper!'
So, I figure if i have to roll my own .. so does she..

[Am Piobaire]

The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a man who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from
time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a man who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with
you.

5. It's very, very important that these four men don't know each other.

[Derek A.]

Corporate Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[632 Regal]

Living Will:


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer

[Mitch90535im]

This one is kinda cheap:

Q - If a girl with big tits works at Hooters, where does a one-legged girl work?

A - I-HOP

[winfred]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Zeuk in Oz]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he
still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?. "What do women really want?" Such a question would perplex
even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the
priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but
no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have
the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, bracing himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been
so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her
horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other
half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot
pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to
his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or,
would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? ?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below, but make YOUR choice before you scroll down
below.













Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?













The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... things are
going to get ugly.