********** November Joke Thread **********

[632 Regal]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the American's other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane
was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."

[Rob]

It's not November yet.....

Good joke anyway.

[Gayle]

Told you that I find interesting things by looking at "who is online". This is one of them.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns


.

[winfred]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[Am Piobaire]

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the
sports shop the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his
sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday". His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him
round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother".
So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds
his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland
supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is
outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to
your father".
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"
"Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would
like this shirt for my birthday".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says:
"! No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.
The father turns to his son and says "son, I hope you've learned something
today?"
The son says, "Yes dad i have i have." "Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and
already I hate you English bastards

[Derek A.]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

[winfred]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

[632 Regal]

GREENSBURG, Pa. (AP) - A Westmoreland County jury on
Friday ordered a woman to pay $46,200 to her
ex-boyfriend for gluing his genitals to his abdomen.

Jurors found in favor of Kenneth Slaby of Pittsburgh
in his civil case against Gail O'Toole of Murrysville
after three days of testimony and ordered the payment
for pain, suffering and emotional distress, according
to television station KDKA.

"For all the pain and suffering I've been through, and
the embarrassment, I don't think it's enough," Slaby
told reporters after the verdict.

Slaby's lawsuit said the two broke up in 1999 after
dating for 10 months, and he began dating someone
else. After he broke up with his other girlfriend,
Slaby said, O'Toole invited him over to her home on
May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep.

He said he woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super
Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his
buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his
back in nail polish.

Slaby said O'Toole told him that her actions were
payback for their breakup, and he had to walk a mile
to a gas station to call for help. He pressed charges
and O'Toole pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and
spent six months on probation.

But O'Toole's attorney contended that the incident was
nothing more than part of the couple's adventurous,
consensual sex

[632 Regal]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a
few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a
drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says,
"Fuuuuuuk........Dude! How much water did you drink?!"

[632 Regal]

If big-boobed women work at Hooters . . .

Where do one-legged women work?

(Give up?....Scroll down)







IHOP!!