***********august joke thread************

[winfred]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

[Nick.Hay]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives......."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!!!!

Hey get you head out of the "GUTTER"..... what were you thinkin about!

[Voodoo]

A friend’s wife went to a girls night out and she drove the new family car. The husband watched the game on TV, drank a few beers and went to bed. In the morning she returned a little dizzy, so the husband went out in a hurry to check if the expensive car was ok. The Volvo was in perfect condition, but still they got divorced. I wonder why…

[Am Piobaire]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........


" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

[Am Piobaire]

Teacher: " Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jocky (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, " Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me. '

Teacher: " Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? '

Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher
looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy? ' Jeremy (in a very English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: " Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"
Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting " I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss" Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: " Yes Timothy."


Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech." Teacher: " Very good Timothy , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: " Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind? "

Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming " Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee " Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front " Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming " Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?" Teacher looking round the class: " Who the hell said that? " Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie
Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."

[Am Piobaire]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen
cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one
of his socks in frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came
to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[Am Piobaire]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



*****

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"



*****

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our Bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"



*****

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"



****

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."



*****

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"



*****

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[Am Piobaire]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this
demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[mikell]

A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please
come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it
started." Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it
supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said,
" According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the
puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had
the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the
pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then
turned to her and said, " First of all, no matter what
we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these
pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her
hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then....., " he
sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in
the box."

[Javier]

Javier